A compilation of mostly DnD related dad jokes: a compilation

I tried to open a casino even though gambling was disallowed.


No dice.

Where do you find giant snails? At the end of the giants fingers

Why did the cleric cast banishment on the yuan-ti assaulting him?

He was tired of these motherf*cking snakes on this motherf*cking plane!

When you don't want to break stealth, sign language can really be handy.

The punk kid headbutts you. You take 3 piercing damage.

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes a parent.

I came by a guy with a baguettes in a cage and asked who would be so cruel as to catch it. He said it was bred in captivity.

When is a door not a door? When it’s a mimic

Do we have insurance on our tent? Because I fear that if it breaks we won’t be covered.

What part of his body did the pirate say he’d get rid of? “The spine, it holds me back”

Why do cows have hooves? Because they lactose. Why did the man kill the cow? Because he was lactose intolerant.

I’m not fat, I just have a fatherly figure

I saw the towns guard try to capture a guy by casting sleep on him and failing. I guess he was resisting arrest.

You know how Warforged are made of wood? So a warforged boob would be a wooden tit, wouldn’t it?

No matter how kind you are, German children will always be Kinder.

No matter how bad your day is, german sausages will still be wurst.

I see your glass is empty, do you want another one? 

Why would I want two empty glasses?

My wife was mad at me for having no sense of direction

  • I have no idea where she was going with this

  • I wish I knew where to go from there

  • I started to wonder if things had taken a turn for the worse

  • So I picked up my bags and right

You may chastise me and brand me as a slaver for having a drow, but if you look at this whole issue  backwards, I was just having a word.

When a clock is hungry, does it go back four seconds?

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, then it dawned on me.

I fell off a 50feet ladder this one time. Good thing I was standing on the bottom rung

Do you feel like a beer? ‘Cause you sure don’t look like a beer

Are you alright? No, I’m half left

What happens when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?

I’m planning on staying alive for the rest of my life

When I was a kid, I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

A priest that becomes a lawyer is a father in law

How many animals can jump higher than a building? All of them, buildings can’t jump

Sometimes when birds fly, they fly in a V shape, and sometimes one side of that V is longer than the other. You know why that is?
There's more birds on that side.

Walking here I saw a kidnapping! 

But it’s ok, I think he woke up

Last horse I bought got soggy when I got to the first river. Shouldn’t have bought pure bred.

Dad jokes, then the party groans

Don’t get the hate on necromancers. Can’t a man raise a family in peace?

Us mere mortals do no know the necesary magic, but divine smite.

It happens to be that 6:32 is 6:30 too. Though I always try to arrive at 6:30, because it is the best time on the clock. Hands down.

They say wizards have to spend a spell slot to fall down… but they cantrip for free

I am strongest on Saturday and Sunday, the rest are week days.

Care to talk a bit more about that mountain? You’ve piqued my interest.

Oh come on, mountains are hill areas!

Did the direwolf who got hit in the groin survive? I’m a flayed knot.

Are a cannivals just fed up with people

I invented a new word today: plagiarism

I like telling dad jokes. Sometime he laughs at them

Why did the dragon and the morning bird become soulmates? Because the early bird gets the wyrm

Is this the kick line? No this is the punch line

Dad can you make me a sandwich?

  • Boom, you are a sandwich

  • Son, they don’t make bread that big

  • But if I make you a sandwich, who is going to have to listen to all these dad jokes

  • No, son, I am a bard and know no transfiguration magic

  • Now son, being a sandwich is great responsibility and you are not yet prepared for it.

  • Make you a sandwich? Now son, you know how much your mum hates greens…. I don’t think she would lettuce.

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