Clever Insults

  • You’d struggle to pour water out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.

  • Your family is so full of incest that your family tree is a tumbleweed.

  • I hope your day is as pleasant as you are.

  • You’re two letters short of an asset.

  • I’ve been called a lot worse by a lot better.

  • You wouldn’t know the difference between a headache and an idea.

  • I wouldn’t follow you out of a burning building.

  • I know 5 fat people, and you’re 3 of them.

  • I’ve given your idea consideration, and I wrote it in my notebook so that I can wipe my ass with it later.

  • I would have been your father but the dog beat me up the stairs.

  • Okay, first of all, brush your teeth.

  • You haven’t been yourself lately.  We’ve all noticed the improvement.

  • My being drunk will fade.  Your lack of charm, however, will not.

  • As an adopted child, you’re the walking definition of buyer’s remorse.

  • I can’t explain this to you without some crayons first.

  • The only culture you possess is bacteria.

  • Before you can play hard-to-get, people have to want to get you first.

  • I guess I can’t reason you out of an opinion you didn’t reason yourself into.

  • You have an impeccable grasp of the obvious.

  • If you were any more inbred, you’d be a sandwich.

  • I’d like you to take this plant and tell it you’re sorry for wasting the oxygen it produces.

  • I wish my teeth were as white as those dance moves.

  • Put on this white dress.  I want to watch a movie, and I don’t have enough money to go to a theater.

  • The last time you sneezed, a bunch of construction workers nearby thought it was time for lunch.

  • I’m too sober to properly deal with you right now.

  • Where have you been all my life?  Can you please go back there?

  • I’d kill you with kindness, but all I have is eldritch blast.

  • You’re so dense, you look up and down before crossing the street.

  • How many chromosomes do you have, by chance?

  • You look like each of your followers gifted you with another chromosome.

  • You have more chromosomes than brain cells.

  • I hope for your sake that death is a woman, so that she never comes for you.

  • I hope only one ear of headphones breaks.

  • I will kick your ass so hard your spine pops out of your mouth one vertebrae at a time like a pez dispenser.

  • You’re about as useful as a screen door on a battleship.

  • You sound like the kind of person to make fun of someone for taking a taxi instead of paying a chauffeur.

  • You look like a picasso painting.

  • You’re so ugly you could blind a beholder.

  • Your face could petrify a gorgon.

  • You look like your head was dipped in a gelatinous cube.

  • Did you just eat a bunch of knives before you got here?  Because you could have fooled me with the amount of edge you just vomited.

  • If your brains were leather, you’d have enough to saddle a pseudodragon.

  • You’re about as fun as gonorrhea.

  • Did you straighten slinkies as a kid?

  • You’re not just a prick, you’re the entire cactus.

  • You have all the personality of a wax figurine, and only half the charm.

  • You’re probably the type of person to eat popcorn with a fork.

  • You’re the type of person to lick your finger before turning the page on a digital book.

  • You look like you wouldn't go to a store and buy your girlfriend a box of tampons.

  • You look like you’d come eighth in a five-person beauty competition.

  • You look like the kind of person who chews water.

  • Your skull is thicker than expired sour cream.

  • You look like a three year old’s family portrait.

  • To get on your level, I’d need a portal to the plane of water and a pair of cinderblock shoes.

  • What are you going to use as a face when that poor baboon wants his ass back?

  • If you shook your head, I bet you’d hear rattling.

  • There are approximately 1 million, ten thousand and three hundred words in the language of common, and still i could never string together enough of them to truly explain to you how badly I want to beat you to death.

  • Mark Twain once said “It’s better to keep your mouth shut and appear a fool than open it and remove all doubt” and I feel that there is no better time to reiterate that than now.

  • You seem like the kind of person to put a ruler under your pillow to measure how long you slept.  ”Man, I slept like a baby last night, I slept for an entire 36 inches.”

  • Your only magic trick is turning ale into domestic violence.

  • You look like you’re a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome.

  • You look like you’d cancel a doctor’s appointment because you were sick.

  • Do you wash paper plates?

  • You look like you put plastic in the microwave.

  • If your social security number was leaked, you’d be safe because nobody wants to pretend to be you.

  • You’d sell your house to buy more furniture.

  • You’d get friendzoned by your mom.

  • Do you lick the fronts of stamps?

  • You’d climb a glass wall to see what’s on the other side.

  • Your gene pool has a sign reading “no lifeguard on duty”

  • I’ve seen dropped lollipops with better facial hair than you.

  • If your IQ were any lower, you’d need to hire someone to water you twice a week.

  • Why don’t you fill your pockets with stones and go swimming?

  • You look like you'd say "nuh-uh, I blocked it with my force field" in an actual fight.

  • You could lock yourself out of a motorcycle.

  • Go back to whatever petri dish you crawled out of.

  • You’re the living equivalent of a participation trophy.

  • You look like you’d climb a glass wall to see what’s on the other side.

  • You could lock yourself inside of a car.

  • You're the reason shampoo bottles have instructions.

  • You look like I ordered you on wish.

  • Here’s a copper piece for your thoughts, and a silver piece not to tell me them.

  • Your chromosomes must have more triplets than orchestra sheet music.

Situational:

  • (After being blatantly lied to) I just checked my receipt, and I didn’t buy any of what you just said.

  • (If someone begins to stutter or says something stupid) I could throw a game of scrabble into a blender and it would make a more coherent sentence.

  • (If someone repeats my comeback to me)  If I wanted my comeback, I could have wiped it off your mom’s chin.

  • (If a situation is suspicious) I’ve seen forests that were less shady than this place.

  • (If someone is complaining about things going wrong) Well, what’s the common denominator?

  • (In response to “well excuse me”) The only excuse for you is an apology letter from Trojan.

  • (When talking to an aristocratic or rich character) You’re more full of yourself than a russian nesting doll.

  • (When things aren’t looking good) This situation’s gone so far south, it’s put up a confederate flag and made abortions illegal.

  • (If someone says they have the body of someone younger than themselves) Well, give it back, you’re gonna stretch it out!

  • (If Someone calls me “jerk!” or something along those lines) nice to meet you, I’m (Insert name here).

  • (If someone with a weird name starts being rude) I’m sorry, I think I saw that table over there float for a little bit when you first introduced yourself.

  • (If someone claims to be the best at something dumb) you may be the sharpest tool in the shed, but that tool is a hammer.

  • (To a railroading DM)  jesus, this game has more rules than an amish house party.

  • (If someone says “how dare you say that to my face!”) I’d say it to your back, but my car only has half a tank of gas.

  • (When someone incompetent asks to help) I wouldn’t trust you to run me a bath, much less something this important.

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