Nemeia’s Journal

Characters: Me: Nemeia, tiefling wizard

Nicole: Jollie-Bell, forest gnome rogue

Harris: Olaf, dwarf druid

Khanh: Kaiya, wood elf ranger

Penelope: dragonborn barbarian

Ross: Polda Mortano, wood elf warrior

Kent: Amorick, wood elf rogue

Elizabeth: Celies, dwarf bard

Taylor: Lu Bu, wood elf monk

Lauren N: Alnya, half elf cleric (Life)

Jarrett: Telinde Lornt, wood elf ranger

Chris: Melech Nowhere, tiefling sorcerer Dead

Michael: Alcenfel the Calculating, high elf warlock/Alkpheft, golden dragon born paladin/Aptom, goliath druid/barbarian

Brian: Symon, half elf cleric (Life)

Erika: ‘Silver’, halfling druid

Jenna: Thorne, tiefling druid

Victoria: Syra, human ranger

CHAPTER 1: The Lost Mines of Phandolin or It’s Only Murder If People Liked You

Day 1, Lvl 1:  Hired by a dwarf named Rockseeker to escort a caravan from Neverwinter to Phandolin.  Apparently Rockseeker is going ahead with a warrior named Stildar to set something up.  He’s not telling us much of what’s going on and the escort is only paying 10g, but gold is gold.  Not sure about this group…There’s Olaf, an ex-soldier missing an eye, the most well worn looking dwarf I’ve ever seen who’s apparently some kind of druid.  Bet he tries to boss us all around because he actually has some kind of rank or what not.  Then there’s the other dwarf in our party, a bard named Celies.  She seems kind of fun but doesn’t say much about herself, always wants to hear about you and your stories.  Which can either be super nice…or super shady depending how you think about it.  There’s Polda Mortano a wood elf warrior who seems kind of naive, but a meat shield is meat shield, Lu Bu a wood elf monk who seems chill but I swear to Mystra this guy is going to murder us all in our sleep, and Amorick a wood elf rogue who…well he’s a typical rogue so what can you expect?  I swear, Rockseeker had a thing for wood elves.  Because obviously I need two people who are sneakier than I am there’s also Jollie-Bell a forest gnome rogue, she seems much nicer and less rogue-y then Amorick at least.  Rounding out our party is a wood elf ranger named Telinde Lornt who is so obviously not the sharpest tool in the shed, I mean he keeps talking to a rat and Alnya a half elf cleric who seems pretty nice but I swear if she starts preaching about her touchy feely god I’m going to set her on fire.

So to make this an even more awkward mission than a bunch of strangers guarding a caravan, we came upon two dead horses shot full of arrows and then the worlds saddest ambush by some goblins.  This group of 8 goblins tried to ambush us, after the bard sent 3 of them to sleep it was pretty ridiculously easy to finish off the rest and then we had 3 captives, yay!  Sadly they weren’t carrying much of anything.  One tried to get away but Polda shot him, and it was just sad for everyone.    One of the captives said they took a dwarf back to the cave…or the castle, he used both and he claimed that he could lead us there.  We assumed he just meant a really really nice cave.  We tried to take his other two sleeping friends with but one ‘mysteriously’ died and then Lu Bu straight up murdered the other.  But it’s okay, I turned him hot pink for an hour as punishment, Jollie- Bell even helped!  Apparently she’s this super great artist rogue.

Our remaining prisoner led us to a cave.  Outside of the cave two more goblins tried to ambush us, so Celies killed our last goblin.  After she threatened them one of them just disappeared into some brush but the other one surrendered so we could question him.  He mysteriously died too – obviously we need to keep a better watch on our prisoners.

The cave had a brook running from it with some brush which I WANTED to set on fire, since obviously we’d have the advantage then but the stupid people didn’t appreciate the genius of my plan so instead we just went in like boring people.  There were some wolves chained to a rock inside but [barbarian] was surprisingly good with them and calmed them down so we could get past.  We had to climb up this super steep rocky slope and saw a bugbear with a dog and two goblins.  Jollie-Bell was AWESOME and cast an illusion so she looked like a goblin and just ran up and totally stabbed the bugbear while Kaiya shot him….which was pretty bad ass. Celies threw some of the dogs food at one of the goblin’s causing it to kill that goblin too.  Olaf then entangled everyone else so the fight was pretty much over after that.  We questioned the bugbear – Clarg or something?  And according to him a dwarf was taken to the castle of the Black Spider, still no mention of that Stildar guard.  I swear if he’s the Black Spider or whatever I’m going to laugh so hard.  Anyway since our threat was to set Clarg-bear dude on fire and he was useless I finally got to set something on fire.  

We also found some shipping crates with a blue circle stamped on them which had just random items – food, oil (yay!) and other junk.  I remembered seeing that caravan leave with like a bajillion guards the other day saying they kept being attacked by highwaymen.  If 8 goblins got these guys they obviously were not very good guards.  There also was a treasure chest with some potions and coins, nothing too exciting.  We gave the stuff to Polda  to hold on to until we could go through it since apparently he’s more trustworthy than me?  It’s ridiculous, plus who does Lu Bu think he is to make those calls?  He’s a total psychopath!  It’s obviously some kind of elvish conspiracy.

There’s another tunnel that leads to some rushing water – wondering if it connects to the entrance.

((Amorick killed the two mysteriously dead prisoners and also palmed a jade frog from the treasure chest but no one saw))

As we entered the room with the rushing water we noticed some goblins hanging around.  Luckily the waterfall in the back of the room had concealed the sounds of the fight.  We killed those goblins pretty easily and sadly they didn’t have anything super fun on them.  Jollie-Bell did this crazy flip head stab thing to the last guy – got everyone nearby covered in goblin blood…which can’t be sanitary.  Two tunnels led out, so we took the one where you could see some light from and found a goblin on a bridge.  Polda grabbed him and tied him up but he really didn’t give us anything good so Lu Bu killed him and dropped his body into the stream.  Jollie-Bell tried to save him, but she was too short.

We found the main goblin living area…living cave, whatever they call it and Jollie-Bell tried to do the illusion trick again.  Sadly she failed at that illusion (I mean come on she has no proper magical training, what did we expect?)  and was found out.  Besides some boring goblins there was a big guy who had a human fighter captive, when the head goblin realized that Jollie-Bell wasn’t a goblin he threatened to kill the human.

Jollie-Bell tried to bluff her way out of the mess but it wasn’t working so then for some reason Polda decided to try to help – because clearly an elf was going to help that situation and then Alnya tried to help too – because more not-goblins would surely calm the situation.  The head goblin told us he’d let the human go if we killed Clarg for him, so I sent a Message to Polda to stall the goblins and ran back and grabbed Clarg’s head.  I then pulled off the best thaumaturgy of my life and super dramatically rolled Clarg’s head towards the goblins.  It was like totally awesome.  But the head goblin was still being difficult and wanted gold so we just saved all of us some time and killed the goblins.  

After we got rid of the goblins and saved the human – guess what we found Stildar!! – he said he was part of some order of do-gooders or whatever and would pay us 50 gold to take him to Phandolin.  Apparently he wasn’t too concerned about finding his boss right away.  While Lu Bu and Polda were talking to Stildar I decided to see if there was anything worth taking in the room – mostly a lot of trash, but the head goblin did have 3 gold teeth (ick…just not going to question where those came from) and 15 silver – I palmed them before anyone noticed and luckily no one questioned it!  We eventually found where we had hid the cart and took it to the town.

Phandolin is apparently the like worst town ever, all run down and with only a local townie inn, but we stayed there since that’s where Stildar went and he had our money.  Apparently there’s a lot of drama going on in this town – a group called the Red Brands or something is causing issues and the townies are all afraid of them.  There’s also apparently orc raiders (same as the Red Brands?) and a local sister from the shrine of Tymora got beaten up on the road (might be the Red Brands again – hard to tell since townies usually don’t know anything of value).  No one wanted to do anything fun so after drinking a bit I decided to share a room with Alnya to split the cost.  For some reason our elf meat heads thought they should bodyguard Stildar and took turns outside of his room – if that’s how they want to spend their time I’m not going to tell them no, after all it keeps them out of trouble.

Day 2, Lvl 2

Celies attempted to play for the breakfast crowd in the morning but apparently ‘dwarven harmonica’ was not something the townsfolk were interested in.  Even though watch was kept Stildar still left without us this morning (good job elves…good job), according to him to get the gold he promised but we were all pretty sure he had just left and we’d never see him again.  After a brief discussion about what we should do first in the town (and convincing Polda that no he didn’t need to go shopping right away, at least not until we got paid) we decided to actually deliver the cart of goods that had started this whole mess.  We took the cart to Bartrand’s where we met Elmar Bartrand and got our promised gold.  We decided to keep the cart and horses that were used to make the delivery and Bartrand did not seem to mind.  I tried to ask him about the map that the goblins had taken from Rockseeker and Bartrand seemed to think it had something to do with a mine that Rockseeker and his brother’s had found that had something to do with some kind of dwarf/human pact?  As neither of those races are  particularly interesting I didn’t really care, plus Bartrand didn’t seem too sure himself.  Bartrand was more willing to discuss the Red Brand gang than the other townsfolk and they apparently have been bothering this town for some time.  We decided that to combat this menace we obviously should form our own rival gang.  

We then decided to talk to a retired adventurer who now owns an apple orchard.  The half elf was more than willing to talk to us….way too happy – I think no one else in town ever talks to him.  He said that there had been a prospector at some watch tower to the northwest of town who had fled from some goblins or something?  Everything seems to be to the north west of town.  Olaf was concerned about the half elf’s one draft horse named Macintosh and wanted to save the horse somehow, but we were able to talk him out of kidnapping the horse right away.

After tearing Olaf away from the horse and Jollie-Bell away from the apples we went to the local shrine of Tymora where we spoke with the elf cleric who apparently was trying to find an old spell book for some reason – she didn’t really give us a good reason for it.  Apparently a banshee had more information about the book but the cleric had been unable to summon the banshee even though she was using a nice jewelled comb as a gift.  After failing to summon the banshee she had returned to town where she had been attacked by the Red Brands who by some miracle had not found the comb, working for the goddess of luck obviously has its benefits.  She offered a healing potion if we could summon the banshee for her and we tried to upgrade that to another horse.  Olaf then named our newly minted gang the Horse and Cart.

Remembering something about a reward for killing orcs we went to the town master’s building and inside found Stildar with some fat guy.  Apparently Stildar was not only good for his word, but also a member of the Lord’s Alliance – who the lord is and why people are allying to work for him I have no clue – it must be a human thing.  The fat guy was apparently the town master named Harbend and Stildar somehow got Harbend to cough up the 50 gold that we had been promised.  We mentioned some of our good works and offered to not only get rid of the orc problem but also the Red Brand problem if Harbend would deputise us  or let us form our own task force.  For some reason the crazy guy refused so we decided we’d create our own task force.  

As we had travelled through the town we left various messages about the Red Brand’s so it really wasn't a surprise to anyone when some of them decided to attack us.  For some reason four of them decided that attacking our much larger party in a dark alley was a good idea.  At first it seemed like the Red Brand’s weren’t going to put up much of a fight, a Witch Bolt of mine killed one them pretty quickly, Olaf can suddenly turn into a wolf….does that make him a weredwarf? and pretty much mauled some of the other Red Brands.  Celies was even able to put one of the other guys to sleep.  However right when it seemed like we had the Red Brand’s on the ropes some of their buddies showed up as back up and fight became that much more difficult.  Mysteriously I began to glow mid-fight, which might have blinded Celies for a short period of time.  Meanwhile both Polda and Lu Bu were getting hit pretty badly and would have most likely been killed if not for Celies and Alnya casting as much healing on them as they could.  In all of this Celies also managed to tell what had to be the worst joke of all time to one of the Red Brands that somehow incapacitated him with laughter.  Eventually we were able to finish off the remaining Red Brands taking the one who was asleep and the one who was laughing uncontrollably captive.  Overall for a gang they didn’t have much that was worth anything – 8 gold between them, 3 iron belt buckles, and 8 red capes.  

After trying to interrogate one of the Red Brands – who said his name was Screwyou McDiehorribly we discovered that their leader’s name was Glasstaff and that their hideout was under a manor.  Also Screwyou claimed that the Black Spider (who apparently is not Stildar to my surprise) sent some bugbears to help the Red Brands terrorize this small town for some inscrutable reason.  We also found out from the other captive, Carl the intern, that the Red Brands kept some prisoners in crypts with skeletons guarding them – which Alnya really wanted to go to to save the prisoners for some reason, I think she just heard there was undead and wanted to smite them.  After being even more useless captives, if that is at all possible, we decided to leave the Red Brands tied up and at the mercy of the towns folk that they had terrorized.  Because inciting a mob is just how we say thank you.

We decided (aka me and those of us who cast spells) that before we would continue to eradicate the Red Brands at their hideout we should rest to regain our strength and managed to convince some locals to feed us and let us stay at their place so we didn’t have to buy more rooms at the inn.

Day 3, Lvl 2

After a brief rest to replenish our energy we asked our hosts where in town the Red Brands were seen.  We’re told that they often hang out at the Sleeping Giant Inn and are seen around the Tesadar Manor.  Since the Tesadar Manor is obviously the hide out we decided to get some information first by checking out the Inn to see if we can discover anything about the defenses at the Manor.  At the Sleeping Giant Inn on the east end of town we saw several Red Brand’s hanging around openly.  Celies struck up a conversation with one and discovered that Glasstaff is at the Manor and that there was a trap door in the manor’s kitchen.

 

Celies’ managed to convince a very drunk Bob the Red Brand that she wanted to join them and was able to question him.  Apparently Master Kokorrin does the hiring and there is an entrance in the woods by the river that has a cavern that leads into the manor hide out of the Red Brands.  Bob is led out down a dark alley way where we joined Celies and left Bob tied up for the townsfolk to find (with a helpful note saying it was from the Murder Hobos Task Force/Ltd).  There was some worry that Celies won’t get her rope back so that was added to the note.

 

Since people are boring worrywarts a direct approach of run in and kill everything that is not us was abandoned and instead it was decided that we should all just pretend to be Red Brands since we have red cloaks.  I pointed out that all the Red Brands we had seen so far were human, and none of us are human.  It was then decided that since Alnya is a half elf she’s most likely to be able to pass off as human so she hid her ears with her hair and the rest of us pretended to be prisoners.  I heard some freaky voice in my head, but couldn’t really understand it.  Soon after a Nothik appeared.  Instead of fighting it we convinced it that if it let us pass we’d feed it lots of people (apparently the Red Brands had been feeding it bodies and giving it treasure), since it was demanding food right away we tried to feed it Telinde’s rat but it didn’t seem interested.  It agrees eventually without a human (or dwarf) sacrifice and jumped down into a chasm, I guess chasms are cool places to live for monsters. 

 

Exploring the hide out we came across a supply room with some beaver pelts (there is some frantic division and people just grabbed a bunch) and we discovered two secret doors.  One led to some kind of armory with boring weapons and extra red cloaks while the other led to a very nice, if old crypt that had three skeletons guarding three crypts.  Since the skeletons seemed animated we left them and their crypts alone (they seem to not attack you if you’re wearing a red cloak) and we continued through a nice set of doors into a fancy hallway that was super dusty.  There was a suspicious section of floor and we all tried to edge around it, however Telinde and Alnya accidentally set off a pit trap and although Telinde was able to stabilize himself (and therefore fail slightly less), Alnya fell in.  After recovering Alnya from the pit (rope, is there anything it’s not good for?) we continued down the hall only to discover it apparently was a dead end.  Everyone seemed resigned to backtrack across the pit until I pointed out that there’s no reason for a trapped dead end and we soon discovered yet another secret door.

 

The secret door led to a room with a cistern and a bunch of barrels and another, smaller room that was apparently once used as storage but was now being used as a bunk room with three Red Brands inside.  Alnya was able to convince them that she was a Red Brand and we were prisoners and after we trapped the Red Brands inside the room with some barrels.  We backtracked back through the skeleton room and found a dungeon with some prisoners and jailers.  There were two women in one cell and a small boy in another.  Alnya once again was able to lie to the guards, telling them that they actually had the day off and that she’d take over the prisoners for them.  They believed her and headed to the local bar.

 

The rescued prisoners insist on telling us their life story (because obviously).  They were the family of the shop keeper who were kidnapped that we had heard about and Alnya wanted to rescue (yay got it done accidentally).  The wife went into this long story about how this town nearby called Thundern was overrun by undead and there was some kind of emerald heirloom necklace thingy in the old alchemist’s shop…because apparently gossip is now a reward.  We sent the family (with red cloaks so they can get by the skeletons) out through the cavern into the forest.

 

At a stair well we found yet another exit into the forest and followed the stairs up into a wizard’s lab.  A suspicious looking rat hid under a table as soon as we entered, and there were lots of book shelves and some alchemy set up going on.  I told Lu Bu to grab the rat and used detect magic which revealed a line of power leading from the rat into the next room, meaning I assume that the rat was the familiar of the wizard whose lab we were in.  After trying for some reason to intimidate the rat (maybe they were hoping the wizard heard it as well?) Lu Bu killed the rat and threw the rat so hard at the closed door that the door flew open in defiance of physics.

 

The room was clearly some private apartments with a desk and a chest along with a bed.  There was also a wizard with a glass staff who was trying to open a door on the other side of the room to obviously make a run for it.  I called dibs on the staff because either the wizard was an idiot and had a weapon made of glass or it is some sort of bad ass magical staff.  The wizard tried to run away from us and tried to order the Nothik to kill us.  Celies and Polda told the Nothik not to attack us and the Nothik compromised by hiding behind a pillar instead of doing anything.

 

Glasstaff was pretty easily knocked out once we caught up to him and I grabbed his staff which seemed abjuration-y.  Once restrained we woke him up, Glasstaff and questioned him.  He revealed that the Black Spider is in the Nearland Woods looking for the Wave Echo Cave and the Forge of Spells.  I tried to ask him for more details about the staff and at first he tried to lie that it’s a staff of evocation but I point out it’s abjuration and he claims it’s a staff of Defense, so could be telling the truth or more lies, won’t know until I have a chance to examine the staff in detail.  He also mentioned that Black Spider is in charge of the goblins in the woods and the Red Brands in the town.  Since he is no longer useful we cut off his head and fed the body to the Nothik which we decide to call Fluffy.

 

After Glasstaff’s body is checked I head back to the chest and everyone rushed after me for some reason.  The chest contained lots of gold and gems (we give a gem to Fluffy) and some magical scrolls which I take (fireball and charm person…it’s going to get fun).  The desk also contained some notes about alchemy and a letter from the Black Spider addressing Glasstaff as Lord Albrecht.  Apparently Glasstaff was trying to make potions of invisibility and the alchemy set has some unfinished/poorly made invisibility potions, which we took anyway.  In the library there were the standard wizard books but I also found a journal of a dwarven adventure which I gave to Celies.  She read from it telling us a story of a dwarf/gnomish pact to mine the Wave Echo Cave which was filled with wealth and magic.  Human wizards joined the dwarves and gnomes and began to mine the energy into something they called the Forge of Spells.  Due to the success of the Wave Echo Cave mine the town of Phandolin began to prosper until orcs laid waste to the area in their attempt to take the Wave Echo Cave.  Trying to defend the Wave Echo Cave from the orcs it was collapsed, killing most of the combatants and the location of the cave was lost and forgotten.

 

We decided to finish clearing out the hide out so it can serve as the Murder Hobo Task Force’s base of operations.  We showed the three Red Brand’s locked in the room next to the cistern their bosses head and demanded their surrender.  They were then told to exit the room one at a time, Celies quietly murdered the first two but Lu Bu really wanted to drown someone in the cistern so he was allowed to drown the third guy.  While drowning the third Red Brand Lu Bu found a satchel that had been hidden in the cistern that contained a small amount of gold and a potion of healing and a potion of invisibility.  He tried to just take the items without telling us but Alnya caught him.  For some reason everyone thought it’d be totally okay to trust a guy who’d just tried to steal from us with the healing potion and the invisibility potion (I mean what use could a murderous lunatic who wants to steal from us have for invisibility?!?) but we took the gold from him giving it to Polda to hold on to until we divide up our wealth.

 

I insisted that we should also check out the crypts (I mean rich humans were buried there, they always try to take nice stuff to the grave).  Alnya was able to turn two of the skeletons and we pretty easily destroyed the third and found 3 platinum signet rings in the crypts which obviously we took.

 

The last room that we had not yet seen was apparently some form of mess room that had four Red Brands obliviously playing cards in a dining hall.  We showed them their bosses head and told them to surrender.  After telling them to leave and never come back, one suggested that instead we hire them since they don’t care who they work for as long as they get paid. I negotiated a pay of 2% of our earnings for them to work for us.  Celies and Lu Bu wanted to ‘interview’ them individually and kill them all, however Alnya put her foot down and suggested instead that maybe we should be less evil and try to keep people alive for a change.

Day 4, Lvl 2

We decided that we should check out the banshee, so the next morning we headed out to the deserted town of Conberry where we were told the banshee was near.  We found a hut made of branches and other elf-y bits and inside was an old spare home with elven furnishings.  An angry lady elf ghost appeared and we tried to find the location of Bogentle’s Spellbook.  For some reason she was uncooperative and super upset until Kaiya worked some of her elf kinship on the banshee and the ghost agreed to answer one question.  After some discussion we decided to just ask her where the spellbook was – since that was the entire purpose of finding the ghost.  Apparently the banshee had traded the spellbook to a necromancer named Erebor years ago and had no clue where it had ended up since then.

Since we were near where there had been reported orc sightings we decided to head in that direction to take care of the bounty.  Once we hit a hillier region we immediately saw tracks and smoke that led to a cave on a hill with a single orc guard.  Since he didn’t notice us yet Polda, Kaiya, Jollie-Bell and myself all attacked him at once.  Only a few of the attacks managed to hit him somehow and he wasn’t finished off.  After my firebolt missed I immediately cast arcane missile at him to finish him off.

Sadly he wasn’t killed before he had a chance to alert his friends who came running out.  Polda and Kaiya were knocked out fairly quickly by the orcs and both Jollie-Bell and myself seriously considered bailing before we could get killed.  However, before we could make a run for the cart Jollie-Bell got knocked out as well.  Just when all looked lost I pulled out the scroll of fireball and managed to kill all of the remaining orcs, finishing off the last one with another magic missile.  While Lu Bu was reviving everyone I tried to see if the orcs had anything worthwhile to steal but they didn’t.

Once we had a short rest to allow everyone to recover outside of the cave we checked inside.  There wasn’t much interesting in it except for a chest that contained a ton of coins and 3 vials of perfume which was split between Jollie-Bell, Kaiya and myself.  Surprisingly the male elves weren’t interested in smelling pretty.

Day 5, Lvl 3

We returned to town to rest and collect some more supplies after the near disaster that was our encounter with the orcs.  We spoke with Sister Grailye at the shrine of Tymore and told her where the spell book had gone.  She apparently hadn’t been as convincing as we had thought she would to get the draft horse so instead gave us a healing potion and the original comb, which is pretty and all but not as useful as another horse.

We then proceeded to the town Master who according to his own townspeople isn’t that great of a guy (I mean seriously he sucks) to get our bounty for killing the orcs.  Apparently he just really hates authority and refused to acknowledge us as a task force and only gave us 100g for killing those orcs.  After the master went into his office Telinde locked him in with the chair, apparently we’re assuming he’ll be able to get out at some point, but if he doesn’t I don’t think anyone will care.

We found Stildar who had offered us some gold for taking care of the Red Brands and he gave us 200g for that.  Since it seems like Stildar is someone who actually gets stuff done and isn’t a pompous jerk I tried to convince him to be town master instead – but apparently he thinks that’d be wrong for some reason – which is totally stupid.

We decided to head out to Thundertree to fetch the emerald necklace that one of the prisoner’s had mentioned when we had accidentally rescued them from the Red Brands.  We decided to bring along one of the Red Brands, a tiefling sorcerer named Melech ‘Nowhere’ – which finally another tiefling in the party, it was getting really elf heavy.  As we got closer to Thundertree a …gaggle of ghouls (not sure of the correct group term for them…is it horde like zombies?) attacked us on the road.  We managed to fight them off, with Alnya somehow manifesting a glowing sword thing which was pretty crazy to watch.  I totally didn’t think about how dead things would be immune to poison until after I had cast poison spray, but luckily there were so few ghouls that we easily finished them off.  In a move that totally was not at all super creepy Alnya took a ghoul arm for…reasons.

We continued on and approached Thundertree which was super desolate and overgrown.  There was a sign warning of plant monsters and zombies, which was kind of whoever was fleeing the town and apparently wanted to include a public service announcement.  Lu Bu got very excited and cast this new and creepy spell called pass without a trace (it was a spell of darkness and silence so apparently we became a Simon and Garfunkle song).  We decided to investigate several of the buildings to find the alchemy shop where the emerald is supposedly, Lu Bu wanted to break the door open, but Alnya suggested trying it first so of course it was unlocked already.

Inside there was an old man writing something – Lu Bu…did some monk thing that allowed the old man to see us so we could talk to him.  Everyone was pretty sure he was crazy and/or the cause of the town’s problems so we were ready for interrogation.  Rhyloth is apparently a druid who is currently studying the plant monsters that had invaded the town – they’re apparently slow moving stick monsters.  He was able to give us directions to the apothecary and also knew of a castle that goblins hung out in.  Obviously we cannot be sure if Cragmaw Castle is where they took Goodwin but it is a castle with goblins so it’s worth checking out.  Rhyloth also mentioned that he had seen several people in masks and cloaks hanging around the center of town.  After we finished talking to him Telinde asked Rhyloth for something, but I’m not sure what it was – they both started giggling ((it was pot)).  Lu Bu then redid his darkness spell or whatever and for some reason made a minor illusion of a golden pair of testicles…because he is a deeply disturbed individual, serene demeanour or not.

Across the street from Rhyloth’s cottage there was a run down farm with a dead field that most likely is teeming with stick monsters so we decided to skip that for now, we also saw a store absolutely covered in webs – so apparently there were zombies, stick monsters and giant spiders in this poor town.  We all decided that when we left we should probably just burn the town to the ground.  We finally found the apothecary and after some searching found the emerald necklace.  I tried to pocket the trinket without telling anyone but of course I caught it on something and was caught, yet I still ended up the one in charge of carrying it.

While we were in town we decided that we’d go check out the ruined cottage and see if we could find any of the masked people running around, I’m pretty sure they were some cult.  And cultists are always funny.  The tower was even more quiet than the rest of the dead town and there was an acidic smell in the air.  In front of the tower there were some dead spiders that had been chewed by something huge and burned with what looked like acid.  Melech stated the obvious that something huge that spit acid had attacked those spiders, but before we could get out of there a young adult green dragon appeared.

I tried to prevent us from having to fight an angry dragon, however it still attacked us.  It did mention that the cultists had been there and bothered it so maybe the potential cult problem had been taken care of.  Sadly when the dragon attacked we were all close together for Lu Bu’s spell so we all got hit by the dragon’s breath.

I then got bitten by the dragon pretty badly and must have blacked out.  Woke to Alnya healing me and a dead dragon.  Apparently after I had gone down, Melech had really stepped up and Telinde had landed the killing blow.  We told Melech to load the corpse on the cart and apparently he wasn’t familiar with dragons and managed to puncture the poison gland somehow killing himself, which is obviously why you never ask the new guy to do something hard.  Hopefully the dragon’s scales weren’t ruined by that.  Inside the dragon’s tower was a chest (how a dragon opens, closes and stores things in a chest I have no clue) and we found a lot of coins, 4 fancy silver goblets with gems, a scroll of misty step, a scroll of lighting bolt (which is super exciting) and a rusty dwarven battle axe that was just screaming ‘hi I’m a magic weapon’.  Well not really screaming, it wasn’t one of those talking weapons, it just was very obviously enchanted.

After spending some time investigating it I was able to determine that it was called Hew and was a +1 battle axe that did maximum damage to plants and wood – so if anyone wanted to be a lumberjack this was the axe for them.

Day 6, Lvl 3

We camped out in the dragon’s tower and waited for Celise, Jollie-Belle and Polda to join us to finish clearing out this stupid town.  They joined us in the morning with a replacement elf I suppose.  Which just makes me wonder how long this guy will last.  Alchenfel the Calculating – who besides giving himself a title apparently also decided that ‘the Calculating’ was the most likely title to inspire fear in the hearts of his enemies – is a high elf warlock.  Celise was totally on board with the plan to burn Thundertree to the ground once we were done with it, however she decided that instead of exploring to see if there was anything worth looting we should just try to warn any potential survivors about the fiery apocalypse that we were about to create and then proceed with the burning.

 

At one of the buildings some guy in a purple robe actually came out to see us, saw the dragon corpse in the cart and ran back inside.  So I guess we found our cultists after all!  A ton of cultists then poured out of the small house, because I suppose if you’re in a cult you don’t need personal space, and attacked us.  With Alchenfel and Celise’s help, and some awesomeness from me, we were able to finish off the cultists pretty quickly and managed to keep 3 alive as captives.  According to the first one we woke up they followed Favric, who we had killed and none of the others seemed to really have any clue.  While we were talking to the prisoners Lu Bu slit the cultist’s throat – once again being the voice of crazy murder everything.  Polda decided to try and protect one of the other captives, but got bored of that pretty quickly once we pointed out he’d have to take care of a cultist.  I managed to pocket a potion of flying that Favric was wearing like a necklace and Celise went into the house ((pocketed 3 diamonds)).  After not finding anything else of value we tossed a corpse into the cart with the dragon body for Fluffy the Nothik and started setting the entire stupid town on fire.  On our way out we told Rhyloth about the fire and offered to take him back to Phandolin, but he wasn’t interested and said he could take care of himself.

 

We took the long way back to our hide out, showing the town master our obviously superior dragon slaying capabilities.  Whether it was the dead dragon in a cart, or just our inherent awesomeness we got him to agree to finally make us an official task force – which he wouldn’t actually pay and was not responsible for any laws that we might break.  But still…official task force!  He wrote up some contract that our leader was supposed to sign so Celise signed it for him so we could be official and then Telinde locked him in his office again, however Lu Bu let him out.  Because locking the idiot town master in his office is just silly, but using a pair of giant golden testicles to confuse a helpful druid is comedy genius…

 

Day 7, Lvl 3

We gave our Red Brand minions some gold as payment and fed one of the cultist corpses to Fluffy and decided to spend a day butchering the dragon’s corpse.  Polda wandered off at some point and the rest of us did our best to get some blood, teeth, scales and dragon meat.  We hung up the dragon’s skull above the hearth in the common room.  Polda returned with some badges he had made of his own design since we were now an official task force ((a sword through a heart in front of a shield)). 

 

We headed off to Cragmaw Castle and after a failed attempt to be cart salesmen we decided we had to be even sneakier.  Through a combination of various magic spells and disguise kits, Jollie-Belle, Celise and myself disguised ourselves into the hottest goblins possible and told the goblin guards that we were there for their boss Grall.  Alchenfel cast invisibility on Lu Bu so that we would have someone to investigate and back us up if we got discovered in the castle while everyone else hung outside and waited for the plan to go wrong.  The goblin that Celise spoke to went to fetch Grall with Lu Bu following and instead brought back a hobgoblin officer named Yag.  Celise told Yag that we were a special birthday surprise for Grall.  After a nearly infinite about of officers – pretty sure this stupid goblin horde has more officers than soldiers – Lu Bu finally followed an officer into a nicer room where he saw an unconscious dwarf, a sleeping wolf, a very, very confused female drown and Grall…who was a giant bugbear (for some reason none of us thought of that possibility in spite of having already dealth with Clarg).

 

Grall came out to look at us and for the first time someone didn’t believe Celise’s story about a sexy birthday surprise, even with my best efforts to seduce him.  Celise quickly cast suggestion and suggested that Grall wait outside for the show to start with some of his officers.  Luckily Grall wasn’t bright enough to fight off the suggestion and had two of the hobgoblin officers follow him outside.  Grall headed outside of the tower to wait for a show, however his officers were surprised to see the rest of the team hiding near the entryway.  Celise told the remaining goblins that show was pretty crazy and that they shouldn’t worry about any loud noises that they’d hear from outside and luckily the goblins believed her.  Celise then proceeded to entertain the remaining goblins while the rest of us killed the small groups that were sent through for the ‘main show’.  Somehow one dwarf bard in some cheap green make up was able to slut tank a horde of goblins while Polda still gets nervous if there’s more than two enemies for him to fight at once. 

 

To help with Celise’s opening number Jollie-Bell did what she claims was a slutty walk and somehow managed to find the only trap in the entire castle, triggering a trip wire.  Through a combination of divine luck and her own rogue-ishness she recovered from the trap with a flourish and kept the goblins entertained.  Apparently jealous of us ladies solving everything Alchenfel decided it would be a great idea to run into the room of entertained goblins, claimed he was the MC of the show…even though he wasn’t disguised and then once realizing what a stupid plan that was tried to backpedal out of the room.  Since our cover was finally blown everyone else in our team ran into the room to finish off the remaining goblins which since we had whittled down their numbers didn’t take too long.  Lu Bu reported that a group of goblins hadn’t been there for the show so Celise went to get them into the room for us to finish them off, creating a murder conga line through a door.

 

We then went to save the dwarf, who hopefully is Goodwin even though Lu Bu wasn’t sure and couldn’t find any map, and save or murder the drow.  When we confronted her she decided it would totally save her life if she told us that the Black Spider was our worst nightmare and that we’d never find the mine then turned into something blank and dark looking.  We decided that it’d probably help to have her captive too so we knocked her out and Lu Bu punched the wolf to death despite Alnya’s protests.

We began to interrogate the doppleganger who for some reason kept insisting that she was the Black Spider and talking about how we ruined all her plans (go figure, we accidentally were all heroic).  Apparently the doppleganger was there to get Goodwin’s map from Grall, but had been having difficulty.  We decided to try and recruit the doppleganger who told us more about the mine and how it was poorly guarded but had a lot of people inside it.  However this information was apparently useless since she’d been there 4 weeks ago so it could have changed by now.  We decided that we’d take the doppleganger with us and since she wouldn’t tell us her name we decided to call her Snowflake.  We figured we’d put her in one of our prison cells while we dealt with the Black Spider, she did make a tempting offer to replace the town master for us but for some reason everyone else did not like this totally awesome plan.  After talking to her everyone ran off to question Grall leaving me and Jollie Belle alone to search the room.  We eventually found a sack of gold and healing potions and I generously offered to split the money with Jollie-Belle.  For some reason Jollie-Belle didn’t want all the money and said I could keep my half but that she would split her half with the group so I gave her half the coins and all of the healing potions.

After patting down Grall Celies was able to find the missing map and he eventually told us that he had been hired by the Black Spider and had thought that Snowflake had been the Spider.  His goblins had found the map and he had tried to sell it back to his employer and then made the mistake of trying to sell it to us.  Lu Bu then killed him since he obviously didn’t have anything else to add.  I finally managed to talk Alnya into healing Goodwin so he was no longer unconscious and we finished searching the castle.  For some reason the goblins had some very nice weapons that they had decided not to use, a mysterious gold statue of an elf, a shrine dedicated to the goblin god with some kind of gifts or sacrifices at it and some more coins.  Once we’d loaded everything back into the cart we headed back to Phandolin.

Back at town Alchenfel seemed to get nervous and ran off and we met a huuge golden dragon born paladin named Alkepheft who we asked if he wanted to join us – whoever can scare a warlock that much is probably someone we want hitting things for us.  Back at the hideout Snowflake apparently thought it’d be a good idea to turn into Glasstaff and call for help, when no one came to help we pointed out that we’d kind of sort of paraded Glasstaff’s head around so they all knew he was dead – I guess you can’t win them all.  Lu Bu immediately was back on the ‘we should slit her throat now because I’m a bloodthirsty crazy person’ but I managed to talk him down and put Snowflake in prison.  I mean she was so sulky and angry with shapeshifting powers, clearly we’re meant to be best friends!

After we had Snowflake settled into the cell (and gone over with the Red Brands that they are not allowed to let her out for any reason like a thousand times) we took Goodwin back to the town master’s office to find Stildar.  Celies didn’t want to give Goodwin the map right away but we finally got our original payment and that seemed to cheer Celies up.  Goodwin showed us where he had found the mine in the Sword Mountains and mentioned how no one else had known about it.  I thought one of Goodwin’s brothers had been kidnapped/betrayed them but Celies was convinced that Stildar had betrayed Goodwin.  We tried to negotiate for a cut of the mine with Lu Bu helpfully talking to his sword…because obviously you would want to partner with the task force that hires only crazy people…

We had decided that we’d leave the next day to try to reclaim the mine and so everyone split off to go resupply in town before then.  We found some local selling puppies and I bought Snowflake the female who looked ill since I felt like they could bond and Jollie-Belle bought one and Alnya bought the other two, because when you go on a an epic quest you should clearly bring adorable puppies along with.  Snowflake apparently has poor survival instinct and ate the puppy I gave her in front of everyone which obviously pissed most of the group off.  Jollie-Belle burnt Snowflake’s face as revenge, which obviously is just how forest gnomes say they like each you…

Day 8, Lvl 4

After we got up at dawn (because who needs sleep when you can travel instead!) and headed towards the Sword Mountains.  Alnya suddenly screamed…something and blessed us just as we were attacked by orcs on the road.  After Celise managed to put some to sleep we easily mopped up the survivors.  Alkepheft just totally smooshed one of the sleeping orcs and we tried to question the remaining survivor, but he wasn’t working for the Black Spider and was pretty much useless so we killed him.

Day 9, Lvl 4

((Wasn’t there for the big finale so this is what I’ve been told))  Took the mine, fought the Black Spider who was a drow guy, lets all pick our jaws up off the floor after that reveal….he was being at least partially controlled by this magical anvil thing.  After he was killed, the anvil was telling the Murder Hobos to free it and that it was an old god and started mentally harming them.  They broke it into little pieces and brought it back to our base – for reasons.

LOOT

 

First session(Goblins and Clarg): 75cp, 15 sp

Second Session (finish cave, Saving Stildar): not much loot was found that wasn’t stolen

Third session(Go to town, fight Red Brands in alley): 10 gp, 1 gp. to sell: 3 iron belt buckles.   25g reward

Fourth session(Lair of the Red Brands): 50s, 30g, 10g to sell: 3 platinum rings, some gems

Fifth session (ORCS): 150 cp, 36 sp, 12 ep (2 left over), 6gp. 20gp reward

Sixth session (dragon!): rewards are added to the session they were achieved in, 200s, 37 g (2 left over) to sell: emerald necklace, 4 cups, magical axe

Seventh session (slut-tanking): to sell/use: 5 vials of dragon blood, 5 teeth, 5 dragon scales, 25lb dragon meat

Eighth session (looting the castle): 10s, 3g (1g left over), 11ep (2 left over), 15gp, 13sp (6 left over), 10ep, 25g reward from Goodwin to sell/use: nice quality weapons, gold elf statue, very nice censer, blade and bowl from shrine

Ninth session (magical anvil of doom): 

CHAPTER 2: 

Day 1, Lvl 5

A couple months passed of doing nothing, which was boring but did give us time to fix up the abandoned hide out and make it look at least reasonably nice.  The first shipment from the mines arrived along with a dwarf named Thorin, who Goldrinn had found for us to try to fix the stupid talking murder anvil.  With Alnya nowhere in sight I had bullied a half elf cleric I saw in town into joining us and just pretended that I thought he was Alnya – people let you get away with stuff like that when you’re this awesome.  He seems pretty quiet so shouldn’t be too much a problem.  

Thorin claims to have worked on a pretty renowned magic sword and claims to be able to not only repair the anvil so we can craft magic items, but to also remove the harmful presence from it.  We realize we kind of like the idea of the evil presence, but just less harmful and more annoying and ask if Thorin could instead move the presence into a door knocker and contain it’s evil.  The dwarf promised to work on it and so we pointed him at the area Polda had set up as a smithy.

A short time later a messenger arrived from the mayor offering us 400g if we killed some halfling bandits for him.  Celies sent the messenger back with a counteroffer, 300g and an official declaration that the mayor asked for our help.  The messenger came back stating that the mayor was now offering 200g and we get to keep our task force.  Negotiations continued like this for awhile and we finally decided that obviously the mayor just needed to talk to us in person to understand our offers.  Obviously the mayor did not understand that as a task force the Murder Hobos was all the help he needed, since he had a rival adventuring party guarding him.  Out front were two rather intimidating looking half-orcs named Rob and Todd – Celies did some word magic to make them not care about their job and we went in with no problem.  There was an even larger guard outside of the mayor’s actual office but Celies simply used suggestion and we went to speak with the mayor.  We tried to have a reasonable discussion withthe mayor, giving him an array of options.  He could either pay us a straight 400g, 350g and he writes a declaration that he needed our help or 300g, a written declaration and a parade/party in our honor when we returned in triumph.  As usual the mayor was only annoying and Alkepheft got bored and threw him out the window.  We went to check to see if he was dead (sadly he was not) and he threw a major hissy fit and said he was done being mayor and wanted nothing to do with the town.  The steward went to check on the entire fuss and so we told Ned the Steward that he was now mayor.  

Once we’d explained to Ned how things were going to work now that he was mayor we left to go deal with the halfling menace.  We soon discovered their hideout which was in an abandoned mine but there was surprisingly another group already outside of the mine.  They said that they were also being paid to kill these bandits, and when we tried to negotiate once again it turned to violence.  During negotiations the other groups halfling bard kept arguing to I suggested that the half elf cleric who had just been following us around silence him.  Lu Bu attacked right away and I pointed out to the group that we didn’t get money for killing them so if they attacked their friends we’d let them join us.  This apparently encouraged the cleric to turn on his team and he attacked the halfling bard.  So of course Akenpheft decided to ruin everything once again and attacked the cleric who was now in theory on our side.  The warrior tried to surrender once he was the last one standing but wanted to leave with his stuff, we pointed out that we had nothing to lose by killing him and he could either hand over his stuff and walk away alive or we kill him.  So unfortunately we had to kill him since no one wants to negotiate anymore.  We tied up the barbarian of the party who Celies had sent into a laughing fit to talk to later.Searching the rival adventurers we found lots of ridiculously nice magical items and 1000g.  It seemed a good idea to find out who else was willing to pay for dead halflings so we questioned the barbarian…which made it difficult to get the information we wanted.  All the barbarian remembered was that in Neverwinter they had been hired by some dwarf who had a white beard and red clothes and had a sleigh pulled by deer.  Of course since nothing violent was happening Lu Bu got bored and slit the barbarians throat and then to up the disturbing factor Akenpheft made a necklace from the adventurer’s ears for…reasons.  

Celies tried to talk the halflings into surrendering but like everyone else we try to reason with they refused and replied with violence shooting at her and then locking the door to the mine hide out they were in.  After much discussion on how to get to them we had Jollie-Belle pick the lock and Akenpheft immediately breathed fire into the mine shaft.  After a ridiculously one-sided battle all the halflings were dead and we grabbed their heads to claim our reward.  Looking around their hide out we found a treasure map and 200g and some stolen supplies.  The map had a location marked in the Neverwinter woods near Cragmaw castle which we decided to check out at some point.

Day 2, Level 5

We returned to Phandolin where we were thrown a parade as promised, however the quality was lacking.  But we did get our 400g bounty for killing the halflings.  After getting payment we all had a fun time in the town wide party.  Checking on the progress of the anvil, Thorin said he made some improvements to the forge and was able to make an enchanted door knocker.  Before we decided our next move I used detect magic on the treasure map which revealed an evil map and when heated it up it showed dragons to the south.

Immediately after the party I wanted us to head to Neverwinter to try to collect another bounty on the halflings – double payment is even better than one payment.  After much convincing I was able to get everyone to agree to try and find the other person who took a bounty out on the halflings in Neverwinter, but on the way we decided to check out the spot marked on the map.  It turned out to be a dead end so we wasted some time traipsing about the woods in circles.

Once in Neverwinter I figured the best place to start searching for the mysterious dwarf was in a dwarven tavern, so we headed to the Hammer and Sickle.  Someone matching the vague description was apparently living outside of Neverwinter, in a coal mine a few miles out of town which was rumored to have the mysterious Red King running it.

After some drinks we headed towards the mine which positively reeked of evil with a giant ice castle behind it.  A short elf wearing red collected the heads from us and paid us 300g and some coal for them.  Running around the coal mine was a ton of halfling slaves, apparently the ones we had hunted down were escapees – the elf claimed that he collected the halflings from a habitat about 20miles south of Neverwinter.  Since the short elf just worked for the ‘Red King’ we decided that we should meet this Red King and went to the ice palace.

There wasn’t much inside but a lot of ice so we headed up the only stairs visible where Telinde claimed some kind of elf god/folklore thing named Santa was who he claims created the drow…with coal? or something, it was a pretty stupid story.   At the very top of the castle we saw a 15ft ‘metal man’ wearing red, probably some kind of gnomish suit.  We tried to talk to him but he seemed off…and aggressive so finally Jollie-Belle attacked him and managed to knock off his head, inside there was a tiny….thing that kept screaming that we didn’t know what we were doing.  The body of the suit started making weird noises and the little thing began screaming some more so we ran out of the castle, which exploded pretty dramatically and Jollie-Belle killed the thing.  …I swear we were not that drunk.  Long and…strange story short – we ended up with 300 extra gold so I’m not going to question where that gold came from.

No one in Neverwinter seemed to notice the craziness so we went to a very nice tavern called the Bell and Whistle to get plastered.  Polda got into a duel with some locals and won 40g before they gave up fighting him.  I went off on a quick errand since everyone else seemed content to wait at the tavern.  While I was away Celies rejoined our group and tried to entertain the patrons and overheard some rumors of zombies attacking some mines.  She used Sending to check in with Ned about Phandolin and found out our mine was being attacked.  On the way to save Phandolin we came upon a wiped out caravan with only 1 survivor, a halfing druid who said she couldn’t remember what was happening or who she was.  The other members of the caravan seemed to have been killed by some wild animal which immediately made me think of a lycanthrope so I decided to call her Silver.  The other caravanners were also halflings and the crates they had been carrying were marked with our mine’s logo.   It looked like some of the crates had been torn at and covered in blood like someone had tried to open it.  Lu Bu was suspicious and wanted to kill Silver which somehow eventually led to him testing her by slapping her, so I told Silver that she could slap Lu Bu back some time in the future.  We eventually found a document on one of the caravanners that the ore was going from our mine to someone in Neverwinter.  Since Lu Bu was the fastest he was sent back to Neverwinter with the ore while the rest of us would continue onwards towards Phandolin.  By some miracle Lu Bu managed to deliver the ore to the Neverwinter mining guild without murdering anyone important and rejoined us on the road to Phandolin.  

Day 3, Level 5

After arriving in Phandolin we noticed that the banner celebrating our greatness was still up but the town seemed off.  When we went to find Ned he said that he wanted us to leave the town.  He was really upset about something so Celise hugged and comforted him and everything was super creepy – but there was no obvious magic which made it worse.  As we were heading out to find the source of the problem we heard a thump…Snowflake was free somehow and had killed Ned!  I was sure there was some explanation for her behaviour but after talking people out of killing her immediately when I confronted her about it she began to cry that her new master was doing bad stuff and making her do bad stuff.  So obviously she was just an innocent victim…like Ned.  The anvil had told Snowflake to destroy us and keep the sign up, and as she was heroically trying to tell us this vital information she died.  This was the worst thing ever and I was super upset and ready to murder the anvil.  When we arrived at our hideout we noticed that the fancy new knocker had been taken down.  Clearly some malevolent force was at work.  The anvil was clearly taking over and raising zombies for reasons…just none that made sense.  When we entered through the secret entrance the Red Brands controlled by the anvil attacked us so we were regrettably forced to kill them.  I was excited to finally see Silver in action and we were all not surprised when she shape-shifted into a bear.  Mid-fight I may have sort of accidentally hit Polda with a lightning bolt in effort to take down some Red Brands – but I had warned him and he said it was okay so really it was his own fault.  In Polda’s smithy we found the repaired anvil, the dragon skull possessed and floating, an obviously possessed Thorin and an undead corgi which was swiftly killed off.  I really didn’t want to re-destroy the super cool magical anvil so tried to talk the entity possessing the dwarf to leave rather than fight us and said if it left us the anvil intact we’d not pursue it. By some miracle Lu Bu didn’t attack it and the demon god thing agreed.   It fled in a cloud of black smoke, leaving a dead dwarf who we no longer had to pay.  The skull began to fall but Polda was able to catch it in time averting a disaster greater than Snowflake’s tragic death.

Day 4, Lvl 6

After forever spent trying to fix everything that the stupid anvil had ruined we finally got a chance to relax.  A few days later we heard the old mayor yelling from the door knocker – we had visitors!  Which was bound to be more interesting than figuring out the ideal rearrangement in the dining hall.  A group of townspeople had come wanting to talk to us.  They had chosen a new leader and wanted to update us on the town.  They wanted to turn the Red Brands into an organized militia with Goldrinn’s help and were forming a town council which planned to try and recolonize Thundertree.  The council was there to ask us to stop a new ‘orc country’ that had sprung up and had started to attack travellers.  We headed out towards where we had previously killed a group of orcs and found a primitive camp city thing.  Rather than attack the large group of orcs we decided to try and convince them that the land they had settled on was bad and had a dangerous magical disease.  At first they didn’t want to believe us so Lu Bu cast Pass Without a Trace surrounding our group in darkness, and when one of the sentries shot at us I cast Darkness on him in retribution.  We grabbed the other guard and killed him.  I shapeshifted into that guard and pretended to be infected and ‘died’ horrifically in front of the surviving orcs.  The orcs slowly began to panic and turn on each other. Silver turned into a bear and began attacking them and it generally devolved into a mess of orcs fighting each other or freaking out and us killing off those who didn’t run away.

Day 6, Lvl 6

Upon our triumphant return to Phandolin we noticed the townsfolk were celebrating, lots of colored streamers everywhere and people actually looked happy.  We ran into Goldrinn who was way too excited for not being in a mine and he told us that not only was the mine doing well but that Phandolin had declared itself a republic thingy along with Thundertree and some other town Lelion that obviously isn’t too important.  Apparently a bunch of in charge types from the three towns had gotten together to create the most worthless alliance ever but it did include a provision where the Red Brands were a militia or something and we were in charge of them.  As we went to where the Confederation Convention was being held some crazy elf was yelling at us.  Apparently he blamed us for burning down Thundertree, as if somehow burning a zombie-plant monster-dragon-cultist infested town down was a bad thing.  To make matters worst Goldrinn was already giving elf-jerk a discount for quarrying stone to rebuild the town, so Celies told Goldrinn that he didn’t get a discount anymore.  After stealing the elf’s hat (ugly but now he doesn’t have it) we went to the convention.  It was mostly boring talk but we did suggest provisions of our own – we wanted a say on the useless council and wanted someone else to pay for the Red Brands.  It was also suggested that maybe Thundertree be turned into a nature preserve rather than a town but no one else liked the idea – genius is never appreciated apparently.  But they did at least agree to the Murder Hobos having our own seat and not having to pay for the Red Brands which is always nice.  After that it got really boring so Celies volunteered us for a job, any job that didn’t involve more politics.  We were told that the Murder Hobos should sign the constitution and after Celies refused since she didn’t want to give her last name (not suspicious at all) the rest of us signed.  The rest of the Confederation Convention then requested that we go to Thay to visit the Red Wizards in the name of the Confederation.  It’s going to be amazing!  Maybe I can finally find that cloak of flying I’ve been dreaming of – Thay has some of the best artificer and enchanters in Faerun afterall.  Besides that it’ll be fun to amongst other magic users for a change.

Day 7, Lvl 6

Before we headed out to Thay Stildar said he was going to send a representative with us – apparently he doesn’t believe our reports and wants someone to confirm what we do.  Which is just ridiculous, anyone would have burnt a town to the ground due to the plant monster/zombie/dragon/cultist infestation.  Since we like getting gold we agree to let his person tag along – Thorne a tiefling druid.  I didn’t even realize they allowed Tieflings to be druids, it just doesn’t make sense.  Approaching Thay we entered a box canyon and saw that there was a small army waiting for us.  Before we could start even thinking about how to respond to an ambush a wizard greeted us.  He claimed to know about our group and our heroism – not sure how or why but yay a fan.  And before Celies could turn on her charm he said he would only talk to a fellow arcane magic user – which in our group is just me.  Lu Bu tries to be included in the arcane crowd by making golden penis illusions, but the wizard is not impressed.  Because obviously we’re the only ones who actually know what’s going on.  After parking our wagon we followed crazy wizard dude through a magic portal which leads us to a stone room with a black door and red door.  Crazy wizard dude says we must solve challenges to prove our worth before we’re allowed to meet with the wizards and he disappears…which seems like the worst way to make diplomatic allies.    

After the wizard disappears a stone gargoyle in the room gives this crazy speech which apparently contains clues to the maze.  At first people try to push the gargoyle to see if it will move, however it doesn’t budge.  Finally Thorne actually looks at the doors and realizes that the red door is painted on the wall – we open the black door and go through.  The next room looks like it’s outside with a charming forest and a purple unicorn and a yellow unicorn who are arguing about a terrible painting that they’re making.  On the wall opposite of them is a painting of a grumpy old guy which is apparently magical and talking.  Celies and Thorne decide to talk to the trees which is exactly as useful as you’d expect – they’re vague and can’t really provide us any useful information.  For some reason Lu Bu and Polda decide to try and ride the unicorns which goes about as well as you would expect – although no one dies so that’s always good news.  During all this chaos Alnya decided to just try the only other door in the room and opens it – Polda pushes her out of the way and gets hit by some icey magic trap thing.  Because apparently we still have not learned to check for traps.  I decide before we leave that we should collect the talking painting but can’t get it off the wall – Silver grabs it for me so we can have a nice souvenir.  The door leads us to a stone hallway that opens up to another stone room with a door on one side and a pool of water on the other.  Immediately entering the room everyone begins to hear really evil sounding whispery voices, and some of us (those who actually want to survive crazy wizard test) notice brain leg bat things on the wall.  The living brain angle along with the evil whispers indicate that they’re intellect devourers.  I’ve only read about them but I know they can be bad news.  Polda for some reason decides he should negotiate with crazy brain eating monsters since they know deep speech and asks if they want to kill us – surprise they do.  So we have to try to kill them before they can do psionic shenanigans.  Silver apparently got bored with the whole ‘monsters’ want to eat our brain drama and decided to open up the next door – once again deciding that checking for traps is for pansies.  The next room is completely covered in various crazy cloths – quilted floor, silk walls, furry looking ceiling – it’s crazy.  Thorne decides to check out the room and tries to cut through the silk walls and discovers that they somehow continue indefinitely.  Once the intellect devourers are finished off those of us actually dealing with threats notice a goblin with a sack hiding across the pool of water.  Celies and myself both realize it’s one of the fabled treasure goblins and yell that someone needs to grab it before it escapes.  Lu Bu uses some crazy shadow teleport thing and is able to grab and kill the goblin before it even got a chance to escape.  We decide that there could be something tricky about the water and dip one of the intellect devourers in the water – nothing happens and it just floats.  Before we decide what to do with the water we decide to check out the cloth room with Silver (who is still afraid of the weird floor and hasn’t actually entered the room) and Thorne.  We manage to finally get Silver into the room and we all notice a chest at the back of it – Silver sniffed the chest and discovered that it was not a real chest.  The mimic decides that he won’t fight us if we can answer his riddles – which obviously I rocked at (Thorne helped a little).  As a reward for being good sports the mimic spits out a magic bag (finally!) and some gold.  Since I now have a bag of holding I decide to stuff as much silk into it as it’ll allow – which is a lot!  Since there are no other doors we investigate the pool of water, Silver and Thorne shape shift into seals to check it out and come back saying there’s an underwater tunnel with a door at the other end of it.  The rest of us swim/are ferried by the druids through the tunnel into another room.  When we open the only door we see some crazy old mage and two statues wearing really creepy happy/sad face masks on them.  The mage, Paverati begins telling us terrible jokes while he and his stupid golems attack us.  We try to kill him just so he’ll shut up – when it looks like we’re doing a good job he turns invisible and tried to run away.  Celies uses mage hand and covers the entire room in silk from the bag of holding and we send Lu Bu after the Paverati lump and finish off his statues.  We eventually slit his throat and creepily enough Paverati explodes into confetti and some magic items.   

Silver bear.jpg
Silver bear.jpg

After putting the silk back into the bag of holding we continue up the stairs and find a room with two other doors, some pressure plates and a confused looking goliath and a human.  Apparently these two had also tried to see the wizards and were stuck in this room.  We decide magnanimously to allow them to follow us to the puzzles end and work out the puzzle they had failed on.  There were six plates in front of a sealed door with ‘The Better Part of’ above it.  The other door doesn’t have any plates and has the word ‘Valor’ above it.  We realize that six people need to stand on the plates which will unlock the ‘Better part of’ door and in theory there should be a way to unlock the ‘Valor’ door from there.  Since some of us are less…valourous than others we decide to split the group.  The Valor group (consisting of Alnya, Syra (the human), Aptom (the goliath), Jollie-Belle, Polda and Telinde) will stand on the plates letting the rest of us go through.  After they do so there was a click and the door opened – Celies, Thorne, Lu Bu, Silver and myself went through the door and we saw six more plates along a hallway.  We stepped on those plates and cajoled Silver to lie down on two.  As soon as we did our door slammed shut and we heard a click.  ((Team Valor then went into a room with some poison gas and moving statues.  The statues hit you if you hit them, and they needed to move a statue to different pressure plates to open the door and stop the gas.))  Those of us who went through the first door proceeded down the hallway and entered a square room with stone tiles with dwarven letters carved into them, above on the wall in common was carved ‘Prime Elements’.  Celies translated the letters and we realized we had to follow a path along the tiles with the words to the other door.  We spelled out Fire then Ice and entered a similar room with draconic letters and the clue ‘Movable and Immovable’.  After another translation we spelled out Wind then Earth and ended up on a dais with some more pressure plates (apparently this set of puzzles was using up all the leftover plates the wizards had).  Once people stood on the plates there was a click and the glowy tiles stopped glowing.  This allowed us to go through a door in the prime element room that had previously been locked.

Through that door we entered a large room with a giant chess board in the center and the other group emerged on the opposite side.  Realizing that the next challenge was a chess game we played against each other.  Through some freakish stroke of luck the opposite team won and my group immediately was hit by some nasty magic damage.  As soon as the game was over a door to the side opened up which led into a bridge over lava which led to a firey cave.  Inside we found two wyrmlings and a male and female baby red dragon.  Rather than fight them Celies asked if they would let us pass – which they agreed to if we bribed them.  No one really wanted to give them our stuff so I claimed that I had access to a magical pocket dimension with all kinds of treasure and reached into the bag of holding and conjured up a large amount of golden trinkets using prestidigitation.  After summoning up a small mound of gold Celies asked them where the exit was and the male dragon decided to try to get more treasure.  We explained that they could take the current mound of gold or we would have to fight them, they decided to let us through.  We emerged from the firey cave back into the box canyon we had initially started in and the wizard congratulated us on making it through and said we would now be allowed into Thay.

Day 8, Lvl 7

Finally got to see the legendary Thay!!  There was lots of casual magic use around which was interesting but other than that it was a rather…red desert-y city.  Our host wizard passed us off to Duncan who is apparently the leader of Thay’s trade alliance and he took us to the fancy schmancy castle in the center of Thay.  Apparently we were going to have an audience with a/the Grand Wizard – not really sure if there’s more than one or what.  Both the foyer of the castle and the meeting room they put us in were rather plain and boring.  Although they at least provided us with food in the meeting room.  Which is good that they did, since they then made us wait like an hour!  Which was terrible.  Finally the Grand Wizard decided to show and he was just some cranky old dude.  He was intrigued by our mine and anvil (he claimed the angry voice inside it was some crazy old wizard from Thay) and he was willing to start a trading post in Phandolin with a caravan stopping by every 6 months with magic items for sale in exchange for a wagon full of metal from our mine.  Once we clarified that we’d still have to purchase the magic items we realized they were offering us a terrible deal and tried to negotiate.  Which is apparently not a thing that the wizards of Thay do.  We finally just gave up and left the castle.  Outside a crowd had formed that was demanding ‘rights for all’ which was led by a talking dog.  Some wanted to help the non-magical types but Celies and myself realized what a terrible idea that was and led the party away from the mob – which was good since the wizards soon disintegrated all of them.  I had the idea to find a less than reputable store to do business with Phandolin.  We finally arrived at the Kraken where a pirate sent us to Bob’s Burgers.  We talked to a little girl named Louise who told us to meet in an alley later.  We met her and negotiated a ‘trade’ deal that was much better than what the stupid wizards were offering.  We then headed back to Phandolin having sort of completed our objective.

Day 9, Lvl 7

The council was ‘happy’ with our trade deal with Phandolin, though we did warn them that they probably shouldn’t mention the fact that we had one to Thay and Stildar even referred to us as heroes!  Which was exciting, except he obviously was using that term to convince us to go help out Neverwinter.  Apparently there was trouble in the north with Herric barbarians attacking the civilized (aka human) villages and cities and laying siege to some keep.  Apparently an Elder in Neverwinter was promising rewards for those who went to the keep’s defense.  We agreed that we’d go to help, but since we didn’t know where the rest of the Murder Hobos were, Stildar said that ‘Some are out doing fuckery’ Celies decided that we should leave a note for them so they wouldn’t worry.  

Dear Other Dudes,

We left to do adventure stuff and shit.  You are in charge until we get back.*  If something happens, hold off on as much murder as possible until we get back.**  Don’t burn down the confederation while we are gone.  No house parties!!!

xoxoxo

The Rest of Us

p.s. Don’t kill/sell into slavery silly hat guy without us!

*Don’t let that go to your head or anything

**especially you Lu Bu

We arrived in Neverwinter and there was a lot of commotion going on as tons of adventurers were in town.  At the guild hall there were four figures wearing masks and a dwarf who made up the Masked Council.  The dwarf told us about the Herric’s, who were led by Tusk, had been gathering up north and had somehow found real weapons.  Celies didn’t like the idea of just murdering all of the Herric’s, while I tried to suggest making a giant magical ice wall to hold them off rather than throwing people at the Herric’s.  A jerk elf said that he’d lead the charge, which the Muder Hobos were 100% behind.  Our group was given the job of closing tunnels under a monastery and to warn the monks there about the barbarians.   

At the mountain monastery of the Shattered Chain we saw smoke coming from the middle of the courtyard with 3 bonfires surrounded by white orcs eating…meat.  Since they spotted us we started the fight immediately, which was awesome since I got to use a new spell I had picked up.  Polda did a cleric thing surprisingly and I got hit pretty bad by one of the stupid orcs.  Luckily Silver saved me.  After finishing off the orcs we decided it’d probably be a good idea to rest before seeing if any of the monks had survived and to close off the tunnel thing.

LOOT:

*money listed is divided by the amount of group members already, bounty is for people who were there the day we got the quest*

Session 1(PVP): None really, we just killed things

Session 2 (spoils from PVP + halflings): +1 longsword, 2 hand crossbows (Jollie-Belle), gold crown w/ red gem (Jollie-Belle), +1 great axe (Alkpheft), +1 short sword (Lu Bu), +1 long bow (Polda), +1 mace, staff of fire ball w/ 3 charges per day (Celies), 200g

Session 3(Christmas Special): 40g, treasure map, 80g (bounty from halflings), 60g (other bounty from halflings), 30g

Session 4(Orc Nation): 40g, to sell: 3 green gems

Session 5 (Confederation Convention): 300g

Session 6 (unicorn and clown puzzle):  10cp, 15 gp (5g left over), potion of stone giant strength (Lu Bu),  bag of holding, 28g (4g left over), winged boots, wand, broach and broom (items to be identified)  to sell: 15 gems (worth 50g each)

Session 7 (split the party): none

Session 8 (wizard negotiation): nothing unless you bought something in Thay

Session 9 (snow orcs): 32g 

miscellaneous things to sell: 3 platinum rings, some gems, 4 moonstone cups, Hew the magical axe, 5 vials of dragon blood, 5 dragon teeth, 5 green dragon scales, 25lb dragon meat, nice quality weapons, gold elf statue, very nice censer, blade and bowl from goblin shrine, +1 long sword, +1 mace, 3 green gems, 15 gems

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