HERE THAR BE CRAP
This story is as of now incredibly underdeveloped and myopic. Don’t be all judgy because it’s gonna get real bad real quick. Consider yourself warned.
So this is a story about Wghat, the fist-only orc barbarian who set the record for most complicated story-arc I ever had to write. Now this particular campaign consisted of a CN elf wizard, a LG human paladin, a human(-ish) rogue of unknown alignment, and an elf sorceress who forgot to pick an alignment. I want to point out here that neither the paladin nor the rogue specified gender at the start of the campaign, and like I mentioned the sorceress forgot to pick an alignment. OOC we were really out of it (I blame the fact that we started at 1 AM), so that might explain some of our character's craziness. Our hook for the story was relatively simple: We wake up in stone tombs with no idea how we got there.
The elf wizard was the first to wake up, and immediately tried and failed to remove the lid of his tomb. He then tried using a fireball spell to blast the lid off. What a great idea.
In the end he only managed to light part of his hair on fire, in which the resulting screaming woke up Wghat. Now, Wghat did *not* like cramped spaces. So with a yell and a herculean punch, he cracked his lid in half and climbed out, finding himself in a (admittedly really creepy) room with several other similar 'boxes'. Wghat had only the briefest of moments to consider crawling back in the box when he heard the screaming coming from the box next to him.
Wghat, being the standup guy he was, decided to help. Leaning over, he yelled at the box, "HELLO? ARE YOU OKAY, BOXY?" to which the somewhat crispy and thoroughly frustrated Elf replied, "GET ME OUT OF THIS THING." Wghat was not entirely sure what to do (8 int ftw), but decided to help in the best way he knew how.
He punched the box. Twice.
The elf, now free and only suffering slight damage from a combination of fists and stone fragments, proceeded to introduce himself to Wghat as they opened the rest of the boxes, which turned out to contain a total of three more adventurers. Wghat promptly ignored their introductions, naming them Boxy Man (the elf), Boxy lady (Sorceress), Boxy tranny (rogue, as they popped out of the box as a female, but subsequently changed their mind and became male), and Pally Dan (the paladin).
Having sorted out who was who, Wghat led them out of the room and into a hallway, which immediately split, one path going left and the other going right. After some quick discussions Wghat had no part of, the party set off right, which quickly ended in another room. Scratches and growls could be heard on the other side of the door, so everyone decided Wghat should lead the way.
However, a problem stymied them: the door was locked. Luckily, they had a rogue. Not so luckily, upon beginning work on the door, the rogue began violently vomiting. This angered Wghat. He did not like this door. So with a shout (“HOW DARE YOU HURT BOXY TRANNY!”), Wghat punched *through* the door, opening it but trapping his fist in the progress. The rest of the party, sans rogue, rushed in to find two kobolds scrabbling at a singular wooden box set against the far wall. Without waiting, Boxy Man magic missle’d one of them and Pally got the other with a smite, meanwhile Wghat managed to disentangle himself from the hated piece of architecture.
With Boxy Tranny still blowing chunks as he/she/it weakly made their way into the room, Boxy Man, Boxy Lady, and Pally joined Wghat in opening the box the now-dead kobolds had been attempting to loot.
Inside they found nothing but a scroll, which contained a series of scratchy symbols vaguely resembling cuneiform. Wghat was at a loss as the ‘Boxy Brains’ worked it out, with their talk of variable verbs and demonic dialects and prepositional phrases. Wghat attempted to help Boxy Tranny with their stomach, but with them being greener than him at this point Wghat quickly gave up.
Eventually the brainy boxes returned to their three fellows that the most they could make out was that the paper was some exotic form of infernal, and that it pointed to some cult in the dungeon they were now in. Everyone who could hold their stomachs in order agreed to deal with this cult, reasoning that they were probably the ones who locked everyone up in the first place.
In a rare break from vomiting, Boxy Tranny announced they would catch up in a bit, once they had control of their facilities again. And so the one-less party set out along the hallway going left this time, set on finding this cult and getting some revenge.
Oh what sweet irony did come to pass.
Having left Boxy Tranny behind, it fell to Boxy Man and his wizardyness to take over as party sneaky person. Having no idea how to DO sneaky stuff, Boxy Man resorted to sacrificing half his spells to continuously prepare Dex and Skill-boosting stuff. Wghat volunteered to be the team door opener, as to him it seemed to have gone fine previously, and besides, Wghat had a score to settle on these damn doors…
Boxy Man thought it’d be a bad idea to burst through doors like that. Pally was of a more kick-down-the-doors-type himself, and was all for it. Boxy Lady just twerked.
Boxy lady twerked a lot, we found.
Like, even in situations that it’d normally be a bad idea to wave your ass around in.
She reasoned that after she ran out of combat spells, the best she could do was try to distract the enemies with her body. Luckily Wghat still thought girls had cooties, Pally had taken a vow of chastity, and Boxy Man was… not interested. Boxy man seemed much more interested in Wghat anyway.
Wghat liked having friends.
The hallway we were walking along was long and almost unnaturally straight, but small rooms with tables, beds and food scraps often turned off of it. We had been walking for almost three hours when Boxy Man decided enough was enough, the group needed food, as we had no idea how long we were in those boxes. The group picked out a larder-style room that had a few semi-edible looking plants and sat down around the fireplace.
Only one problem: No one could keep the food down.
We didn’t start vomiting like Tranny had, but we DID spit it all out, complaining of bad taste, weird texture, or in Wghat’s case ‘a bad belly touch’. So instead Boxy Man said we should rest and let him recover and prepare better spells, and hope Boxy Tranny would catch up. We closed and barred the door of the larder, and then everyone sat down on some comfortable furs found in a corner. No one was particularly tired yet so instead everyone talked about where we came from.
Boxy Man was from a rich family in a Northern city, one of the ones with crazy names like Haagen Daaz. He had shown magical aptitude at an early age, as he tells it, and had received the best education money could buy. He (like all spoiled brats) wanted to strike out on his own, away from his parents’ control. *He* wanted to be a bard. In fact, he had taken the spell summon instrument to memory just in case he ever got to play. He proceeded to summon a mandolin and try a tune.
He was absolute shit, he quickly put it away before everyone ended up like Boxy Tranny.
Pally and Boxy Lady share their stories, talk about twerking the night away in loads of taverns and vows of holy vengeance against evil shadows.
Or vice-versa. Wghat couldn’t really follow their stories, they were very complicated.
Eventually we asked Wghat where he was from. He dropped his eyes to his feet, mumbled ‘Nowhere’. We pressed him, said we wouldn’t judge. Wghat sighed and looked up. He was the eldest son of Wghow, the War Priest of Gruumsh.
For context, in the universe our campaigns took place in, about 300 years prior the Gods had all decreed that instead of taking a direct hand in the operation of the world, they’d dedicate one individual to be their exemplar, a person that personified everything that god stood for. Corellon had a Moonbow, Vecna had a loremaster, etc. Gruumsh’s exemplar was always called a War Priest, and there had only ever been one: Wghow. He was the strongest, smartest, and most ruthless conqueror the Highlands had even seen, and despite being close to three centuries old, he had carved out a kingdom stretching the length of the continent.
Naturally the party was more than a little surprised to hear of Wghat’s lineage. We all knew the stories of the shrewd and intelligent general that Wghow was, and Wghat seemed completely opposed to that. Boxy man was the first to voice this, and Wghat became even more sullen. He explained that his father had trained him to be the best warrior he could be, but could never instill in him the sense of military tactics that a leader needed. The last straw came at Wghat’s coming of age, when he was told to execute a human for encroaching onto Orcish lands.
Wghat hated needless violence, and had refused. Wghat showed his new friends the scourge marks on his back that his father himself had inflicted. He had then been banished, told never to return. For a while Wghat had traveled with his brother Wghere, who was a WasteRanger, but eventually he had struck out on his own. He’d barely made it out of the wastelands when everything went black and he woke up here.
Of course Wghat used smaller words and there were a lot of references to ‘daddy’ thrown in, but that was the gist of it. Everyone was quiet once he finished his story. Boxy Man suggested everyone to try and rest so that we could continue on. Everyone tried to sleep or otherwise rest, but no one managed to get a wink of sleep in.
Eventually, once Boxy Man had managed to figure his spells out, we gave up and just headed out again. There was some debate about whether or not we should wait for Boxy Tranny, but in the end we figured if they wanted to catch up it’d be fairly simple in a long hallway with no forks. Eventually we came to the end of the hallway, which ended in a set of stone stairs leading upwards.
This generally seemed like the direction we wanted to be going, so up we went. The stairs, in turn, eventually opened up into a larger room, 4 meters square, two other hallways leading out of it, one on our right which was set against the corner of the far wall, and another set against the corner of the near wall on our left.
Both were incredibly dark, even with Orcish and Elven eyes, so we decided to split up and search both, and meet back in the room in two hours if we didn’t find anything. Wghat went with Boxy Man (both of whom seemed to have developed a strong bond with the other), and Pally reluctantly paired up with the bootylicious sorceress.
As both groups had a spellcaster, it was decided that if anyone needed help, the caster would send an audible cue to the other, through some mystical mambo no. 5 that Wghat didn’t understand.
So off down the left path went Wghat and Boxy Man, who excitedly told Wghat that he had been researching a spell that would allow him to reform some of his arcane knowledge into bardic knowledge, maybe even giving him the ability to passably play an instrument.
Wghat, being the nice, simple guy that he was, couldn’t be happier for Boxy Man, and saw no issues with him trading out control of the elemental forces of nature in order to have a chance at playing Free Bird.
As exciting as this news was, neither man let it get the better of them, and stayed focused on the task at hand. The darkness was unnaturally thick, allowing sight only within two to three meters. So we went slowly, picking our way through a hallway that was quickly becoming rougher and more… ‘Cave-y’ as Wghat put it.
About an hour in we start seeing what looks like light at the end of the hallway. Wghat begins to move faster, but Boxy Man holds him back. ‘Might be a trap,’ he says.
Wghat is confused about how they could make a tripwire out of light or some shit.
Boxy Man says to trust him, so Wghat goes along with it.
Eventually they make it to the edge of the light, it’s a dead end room, but this one has some substantial loot. We’re talking awesome lacquered armor sets, wicked serrated blades, shields shaped like dragon heads, and all kinds of crazy fun stuff. Only one problem: There just so happens to be a spare door propped against the far wall.
Wghat does not like these doors. They hurt Boxy Tranny.
Wghat smash doors!
Boxy Man could no longer hold Wghat back, and so with a sigh of resignation followed the bellowing barefisted berserker into the room. Just then Boxy Man heard a high-pitched scream and whirled around, finding a group of five kobolds dropping down from the ceiling behind them.
To his credit, Boxy Man stayed calm as he advised Wghat to de-prioritize the door. And to *his* credit, Wghat listened… mostly. He gave the door one last good right hook before turning to face the new threat, by which point the kobolds had charged.
Now, kobolds aren’t really that much of a threat by themselves, but in a group they could be annoying as hell, and these particular kobolds, with their crazed red eyes, sharp tooth-filled mouths, and poison-tipped spears seemed altogether like a really bad time. Still, Boxy Man put up a hell of a show, casting what fireballs he’d held onto and blinding half of them with some spell or another.
Two managed to lunge at Wghat, but no puny rock lizard could stand against the Son of the WarPriest and live to tell the tale! Wghat dodged both the spears, smashing one’s face in with a quick jab. The other kobold hissed and attempted to bite at Wghat’s neck, but Wghat jerked back and grabbed hold of the creature’s jaws and pulled, ripping it’s head apart with pure barbarian rage.
A few punches and a magic missile later, Wghat and Boxy Man were standing alone. Wghat instantly ran to loot a cool looking armor set, pulling on the smooth black enameled plate. Boxy Man was about to join him when he realized the high-pitched screaming he had associated with the kobold’s attack was, in fact, still screaming.
It was only then that he realized it was coming from his magical connection to the sorceress.
Wghat and Boxy Man stayed only long enough for Boxy Man to grab a suitably magical-looking robe and for Wghat to ensure that his armor was correctly fitted against belligerent doors before heading back the way they came. The screaming still blasting through his head, Boxy Man tried to communicate back, but either Boxy Lady couldn’t hear him, or she was screaming too much to answer. The room with the stairs was empty, so without pause the two stalwart heroes plunged down the other hallway.
After a fair bit of running, we came to a wall, a path going left and another going right. It was at that moment that the screaming stopped. Wghat asked which way they should go, and Boxy Man searched the ground and corridor for clues. Eventually through the gloom the pair made out a bloody trail leading down the left path and, fearing the worst, we followed it. After a fashion the path turned left again, and a light could be seen in the distance.
Boxy Man told Wgaht to wait, and this time Wghat listened. Boxy Man, employing all ten minutes of his stealth training, snuck forward to see what horror awaited them. The room at the end of the path was vaguely the same size and shape as the one he and Wghat had found, but furnished most differently.
While torches burned along all the walls, most of the light came from a large firepit in the center of the room. Around it danced ten kobolds, and one that looked like a warlock stood with his back to the hallway. Along the wall on Boxy Man’s left was strung up Pally and Boxy Lady.
They were unconscious now, but had obviously been beaten up pretty badly. They still wore their armor, however, and Pally’s weapon was sheathed on his belt. Having seen enough, Boxy Man retreated back to Wghat, who was anxiously waiting back at the last turn.
Boxy Man explained the situation, and while Boxy Man did stress the number of kobolds (again with crazy eyes and extra sharp teeth) Wghat said, and I quote,
“Time can only not be good when friends are not in the safe hands of the us. And time is almost gone to bring friends back to good time of having in safe hands.”
Wghat thought he sounded super-intelligent, taking words he’d seen spelly people use and saying them with a serious voice. Boxy Man did his best not to laugh and/or cry, and decided the easiest thing to do was just agree and charge the damn things.
So we approached the room as stealthily as we could, and Boxy Man buffed Wghat with Bull’s Strength and buffed himself with… some random stuff Wghat didn’t listen to. Wghat was too busy feeling all his new muscles to notice Boxy Man’s self-buffs. With the buffs in place, they charged. Wghat, in a rare show of tactics, went after the Warlock first.
Unfortunately, the Warlock did not get flat-footed easily, and poofed to the other side of the fire just as Wghat’s fist would have connected. Before Wghat could get mobbed, Boxy Man rushed in, slinging fireballs and magic missiles, and thwacking left and right with a wizard’s trademark quarterstaff.
Standing back-to-back, Wghat and Boxy Man began to fight!
Exhausting his spell arsenal, Boxy Man two-handed his quarterstaff, which honestly did very little damage when compared to his spells. Wghat, however, was going to absolute town on the lizards.
He was raining punches left and right, making little ‘whiff’ and ‘thwack’ and ‘pow’ sounds with every one.
Eventually the kobolds began to fall back towards the warlock, who up until this point had only been half-heartedly flingling some low-level spells at us. Now, though, with six kobolds dead, the Warlock knew when his luck had changed. He started squeaking something out and waving his arms.
The remaining four kobolds, not wanting to be destroyed by the giant green tank that was Wghat, broke and ran for the exit. Boxy Man pursued them, leaving Wghat to deal with the Warlock.
Now, if Wghat had known Infernal (or, more accurately, had known it *then*), he would’ve realized the Warlock was yelling “Wait! Stop! I’ll tell you everything!”.
But, like the tragic miscommunication that was Romeo and Juliet, it was not to be.
All Wghat saw was a scary scaly scurry scamp that could cast spells and was waving his arms all around, and promptly put all his berserker rage and bull’s strength into one (FALCON) punch.
Boxy Man returned moments later to Wghat clumsily trying to untie Pally and Boxy Lady, as well as a three-meter across crater in the far wall dripping red goo that he swore hadn’t been there before. As the two other adventurers regained consciousness, Boxy Man explained to us that he had caught two of the deserters, while the other two had escaped even deeper into the dungeon.
The two he’d caught had only yielded information we already knew: a cult had kidnapped us and brought us here. The kobolds had mentioned that the cult leader wasn’t one of them, so we knew now that it wasn’t specifically kobolds that were after us, just this particular band being led by some evil… thing.
We sat for a bit, discussing what to do, and speculating about what kind of resistance we’d face further on. So involved in the debate was everyone, Wghat included, that no one noticed that the shadows from the hallway slowly making their way towards us, despite the fire still burning brightly in its pit. Even the pair of blazing red eyes within the shadows went unnoticed, as they moved ever closer. A pair of shining, silvery knives joined the eyes in emerging from the shadows, and only *then* did we notice them.
So, upon *finally* noticing the red eyes and knives literally right behind us, we scrambled to our feet and prepared to fight. However, to our great surprise, it was only Boxy Tranny, back from the dead(ish). Wghat ran over and gave Himmler (Him/Her, it was the pronoun we used for Boxy Tranny) a hug, but Boxy Tranny was not happy. Something about leaving himmler alone to die and going off in search of treasure, being assholes, etc.
> Wghat don’t have time fo dat.
> Wghat cut in and went over everything that had happened.
> This boiled down to Wghat happily shouting ‘I DID A THING, AND THEN bOXY mAN DID A THING’ over and over.
> After about 10-odd minutes of this, Boxy Man suggested we should continue forward with our adventures.
> And so, the full party of Boxes set off, deeper into the dungeon… OF DOOM.
> Seriously, at this point Wghat decided that to make everyone ‘more cooler’, he’d add OF DOOM to the end of everything.
> For example, as we made their way deeper into the dungeon (OF DOOM), Boxy Man was practicing his guitar playing (OF DOOM), Boxy Tranny was checking for traps (OF DOOM), Pally was carrying a torch (OF DOOM) and talking about how grateful he was to be saved and how he was indebted to us for all eternity (OF DOOM…?), and Boxy Lady was trying to figure out how to twerk while walking (OF DOOM-ly).
> Eventually we came to another more-open room, however this one had only one exit: a large ornate door set in the opposite wall.
> From the other side we could hear screams and infernal chanting (OF DOOM.) (GODDAMMIT WGHAT I’M TRYING TO LISTEN HERE)(SORRY BOXY MAN).
> Eventually we decided that can’t go back=must go forward, and we all put put heads together to figure out a plan.
> Wghat, in a surprising fit of semi-lucidity, advocated dressing up as cultists and sneaking in.
> This plan was scrapped as the cultists, as far as we knew, were all three feet tall and scaly,
> Wghat insisted they wouldn’t notice, but everyone else decided to ignore him at that point.
> Angry and insulted, Wghat stormed back down the hallway we’d come out of.
> With the sudden cessation of OF DOOMs being thrown about, we managed to concoct a plan.
> Pally Dan would kick open the door and yell something religious and righteous.
> Boxy Man and Boxy Lady would come right behind him, casting the brightest lights they could all around, hopefully blinding the cultists.
> Boxy Tranny would sneak in during the confusion and start getting stabby, while the three others went to town on anyone who wasn’t blinded and decided to charge.
> All in all, simple and hopefully effective plan.
> We reasoned that once combat broke out, Wghat wouldn’t be able to pout anymore and would come out and help as well.
> So we all positioned ourselves around the door, Pally in front, Boxes Lady and Man just behind, and Tranny/Himmler behind them.
> A three count was given, and Pally kicked open the door and hefted his sword.
> “BEHOLD, THE MIGHT OF HE-”
> Pally stopped dead when he realized what he was looking at.
> At least forty kobolds, half again as many skeletons, two summoned demons, and a taller, paler scaly figure in a black robe, who by the looks of it had just finished sucking the blood out of a sacrifice.
> As everyone turned to face the weirdo that had just broken open their door and interrupted dinner, Box Squared decided to go for it anyway, and jumped forward with all the blinding and stunning spells they could muster.
> Tranny shrugged and faded into the now-plentiful shadows, drawing one of himmler’s daggers.
> There was really nothing for it other than to fight, so in went Pally, followed swiftly by male and female Boxy.
> The trio, though completely outnumbered, faired reasonably well, expending everything they had and going absolute balls-to-the-wall.
> I’m talking fireballs everywhere, magic missiles going left and right, acid sprays, cone of colds, you name it, they probably threw it out.
> The occasional knife flashing out of nowhere and scoring a clean kill didn’t hurt their cause either.
> Eventually the hooded tallbold got tired of waiting and started firing out spells of his own, hold persons and dominates, things like that.
> Boxy Lady managed to hold him off with her twerking powers, but only barely.
> It was at this point that everyone should wonder at the fact that, through all the chaos, no one noticed an unusually tall cultist with his hood up navigate the room, avoiding spells from both sides and managing to get behind the tallbold.
Now, I want to take a second to talk about Wghat and why he holds a special place in my heart. Yes, he was low-int and fun to play because of it. Yes he could punch shit for more damage than most characters can swing a longsword for. And yes his nicknames for people kept everyone interested and light-hearted even during TPKs (more on that later). But why he will always be my favorite character is much more meta than that: He always rolled right. That doesn’t mean he succeeded in everything. In fact, he failed more skill checks than my previous three characters combined. What I mean is that his rolls *always* matched the tone of the roleplay. When Boxy Man asked for help getting out of the coffin, Wghat smashed it to pieces, not because I rolled to smash it to pieces, but because I nat-20’d to break it open with my fists. Later on you’ll hear a story about how a nat-1 on a speech check ended up with him having to escape an arranged marriage with a drow princess. But I just wanted to put this in here so that you understand my feelings, my GM’s feelings, and the whole group’s feelings when I went to grapple the vampire kobold priest, and nat-20’d *three times in a row*.
> All of a sudden, Wghat ripped the cultist robe off from over his armor, his black enameled armor that shone like a black sun in all the crazy magic that was going on.
> He grabbed the tallbold in massive hand, breaking it’s neck immediately with his grip.
> Then, lifting the limp body above his head, he shouted in a voice that sounded much more heroic than the drawl he normally used:
> “BEHOLD I AM WGHAT, AND WITH MY OWN HANDS I DO SLAY THEE ALL.”
> He threw the body into the assembled kobolds, killing two more.
> The rest were too distracted to notice as the rest of our group rushed through, killing anything still standing.
> The summoned demons had poof’d the moment the tallbold had died, so with mixed feelings we ran up to meet Wghat.
> Wghat was sitting cross-legged and giggling over a piece of parchment he’d grabbed off the tallbold’s corpse.
> Boxy Man grabbed it and looked it over, then groaned loudly.
> “It’s a scroll of Fearful Presence.”
> Wghat giggled again and added “OF DOOM.”
> After everyone yelled down Wghat for the horrible joke (but impressive timing), we found that the back of the room led into a natural cave, which appeared to slope upwards!
> Everyone’s spirits lifted there, and we rushed on ahead without resting or recovering our spells (hoo boy we’d regret that).
> The cave passage was relatively easy going, a few dead ends (in one of them we found a bunch of longswords that made Pally feel weak in the stomach, despite him being the only one that was trained to use longswords), but no enemies!
> We really thought we’d made it through, that soon we’d make it to the surface.
> In retrospect, we probably should have read more into the fact that Boxy Tranny suddenly had glowing red eyes.
> Or that none of the enemies had attacked him, even when he was attacking them in the last battle.
> Or that Tallbold hadn’t aimed a single spell at him.
> Or the fact that even though we’d been awake and underground for at least a day and a half, none of us were hungry, tired, or even thirsty.
> But let’s just take for granted the fact that we were all dumbasses.
> Eventually we came to a big open cave-type room.
> We’re talking like, cathedral big.
> Huge stalactite/mites, etc.
> In the center was a path that lead out into the center of the room, surrounded by a lake on all other sides.
> Like the idiots we were, we walked right out into the center of the big fuckin room.
> We stood there for a second, admiring the view, when down from the ceiling descended this magical sparkly cloud of smoke.
> We were fascinated by it, even though it almost definitely didn’t mean something good.
> Eventually the cloud reached the ground, and coalesced into a humanoid form.
> He was tall and pale, but definitely not a kobold.
> He wore a long black cloak, and when he smiled his teeth were… much more prominent than they should have been.
> A bona-fide vampire lord.
> He greeted us, commented on our bravery.
> When we didn’t say anything back, he stepped forward and offered us a choice: become vampires, or die.
> Needless to say we drew our weapons and prepared to fight.
> At least, until Boxy Tranny turned to the paladin and stabbed him through the neck, pretty much OHKO’ing him.
> Suddenly it’d gone from a 5v1 to a 3v2, and with Boxy Lady going down in one hit from the Vampire Lord, Boxy Man and Wghat decided to exercise the better part of valor and run.
> Boxy Man and Wghat made it back into the cave entrance, but when Wghat turned and saw Tranny and Vamps already halfway to him, he turned back to Boxy Man and made a choice.
> “GO BOXY MAN, I’LL HOLD THEM OFF.”
> Boxy Man, his heart heavy, ran on.
> True to his word, Wghat held them off for almost ten minutes before he, beaten, broken, and with dozens of wounds, took his own life.
> In the end, Vamps still caught up with Boxy Man, who managed to summon a full-size pipe organ using ‘Summon Instrument’.
> Vamps allowed him to play a final dirge to his fallen comrades before swooping in and extinguishing his life.
With that, our DM closed his books and looked at all of us in turn. “Look up ‘Becoming a Vampire’ for next session, guys. Good night.”
Turns out, what the Vampire Lord had meant was ‘Become a vampire, or die… and *then* become a vampire.
> So over the course of the intervening week us players discussed just what happens when you get turned into a vampire in 3.5.
> Find out, via the SRD, that vampires are OP as shit in 3.5
> Wghat goes from delightfully niche character to over-the-top death machine
> I’m talking 30 AC, 24 strength BEFORE rage, and practically double my old damage
> Boxy Man suddenly can do damage with an actual weapon (Elf racial traits are AWESOME) and has extra spells
> Boxy Lady can twerk at the speed of sound and has a charisma so high that freaking inanimate objects are infatuated
> Boxy Tranny was already a Vampire, but turns out he was OP as shit anyway
> Pally got kind of the short straw, Vampires have to be evil so he kinda insta-fell from Paladinhood, but he made up for it by becoming a blackguard
> Everyone’s Hit Dice are now d12s
> We all got shit tons of more skill points because we levelled up at the same time
> So Wghat poured his newly-found 10 Int and 12 Wis into Knowledge (Arcana) and wouldn’t tell anyone why.
> We all sit down with our newly-vamped characters and the game begins.
> We all wake up in coffins (wooden ones this time)
> These actually open, so we get up and look around, check to make sure we’re all here
> We’re in a fancy bedroom of some kind, our five coffins along one wall, none of us have any idea how we got here
> Room has no windows, door’s locked.
> Wghat decides to break down the door.
> Activates rage, Boxy Man gives him bull’s strength for good measure.
> Door doesn’t open, it *disintegrates*.
> The thing literally shatters into a million pieces from how hard Wghat hit it.
> Everyone stares for a second, then we all file out of the room.
> The adjoining room is an open hall, high ceilings, but again no windows.
> It’s dark-ish and kinda spooky, but at one end of the room is some torches and a throne/chair on a raised dais.
> It’s the vampire lord.
> We all remember that asshat.
> Wghat starts to charge, but Vamp-ass commands him to stop and he does.
> Vamp explains that all five of us (including Boxy Tranny, who apparently only been turned after we… left him) are now servants of his will.
> Since he created us, he commands our loyalty.
> We’re none too happy, but not a whole lot we can do.
> Grandpa Vampa explains our new powers in-universe (our DM was big on keeping character knowledge and player knowledge separate, I had to be careful he didn’t notice my sudden Knowledge of Arcana).
> We can become dire wolf/bat, gaseous cloud, we can drain blood, normal stuff.
> Explains that, obviously, we can’t go out in sunlight, and that our coffins are linked to us as well.
> Says he wants to help us grow, and that he’ll keep our coffins safe.
> Tells us that in order to establish how good we are, he’s going to send us on missions.
> First mission: find him a virgin meal and bring her back to him, unharmed.
> Staying classy, apparently.
> So the five of us wait until nightfall, and study that map of the city we’re in.
> According to it, we are in some big place called Pacot, the Forbidden City.
> Wghat says one of his brothers, Wghy, may be in the city.
> When pressed, Wghat reveals that after his father banished him, Wghat’s three brothers, Wgho the Shaman, Wghere the Ravager, and Wghy the Loremaster all left as well, and Wghat’s sister Wghen the Conqueress went north to capture some city.
> Wghat said his half-brother Santiago also left at about that time.
> Wghat then said he doubts if his brother is a virgin, and he definitely knows that his brother isn’t, in fact, a sister, so he asks the rest of the party to drop it.
> We say he may be able to help us find a suitable virgin for our new master, and Wghat hesitantly agrees to help us find him.
> As we head out under the newly darkened sky, Wghat fills us in on everything he knows about Wghy.
> Wghy (wuhg-EYE) was a cleric of Vecna, and thus very powerful in spells both divine and arcane.
> Wghat then proceeded to tell us about how much of a scrawny kid Wghy had been, and how Wghat had always had to stand up for him when they were little.
> Wghat was loathe to admit it, but Wghy, the youngest of all the siblings, had always been his favorite brother.
> We stopped him before the big guy started bawling.
> Anyway, it quickly became apparent that walking up to random people in the middle of the night and (in Wghat’s case anyway) yelling ‘WHERE’S MY BROTHER?’ wasn’t going to work.
> Instead we split into two groups.
> Wghat and Boxy Man intimidated and charmed people until they gave up info on any Vecna-like activities in the city.
> Meanwhile Boxy Tranny, Boxy Lady, and Pally Dan went about learning about the city, and tried to figure out where a Cleric of Vecna might set up shop.
> Turned out that Pacot was called the Forbidden City for good reason.
> The local nobles and lords had the whole place locked up tighter than a princess’s chastity belt.
> Nearly everything worse than Ale was illegal, and thus the black market was an almost essential part of people’s lives.
> This led Wghat and Boxy Man to a smuggler ring that operated out of the poorest district.
> The smugglers’ leader, when “pressed” (read, held upside-down by his ankles until he talked), revealed that a mysterious buyer had, for almost a year, been paying good money for black magic tomes and rare potion ingredients.
> Learning this, we took flight (because we could become bats now) and met up with the other three.
> Together again, we decided to stakeout the drop-point that the smugglers used to deliver things to their “mysterious client”.
> Luckily a shipment had just arrived, and we didn’t have to wait long before a (badly disguised) zombie came and wheeled the cart of stuff away.
> Turning into bats again (which we all agreed was *really cool*), we followed the zombie back to his master’s abode, which turned out to be (surprise) the next-door mansion to *our* master’s place.
> After facepalming sufficiently, we decided that, with less than two hours of darkness left, direct frontal approach was needed.
> After vaporizing another door, we found ourselves charging into what appeared to be a rather pleasant and thoughtfully furnished foyer, which we ignored and barrelled into the next room.
> The next room was an incredibly cozy den, complete with roaring fire, bookshelves, comfy chairs, and a rather thin and studious-looking orc in a nightgown reading a large tome.
> “Took you long enough,” said the orc, not looking up from his book.
> He waved his hand, talking with a slight British tone and still not looking up, “Go on, have a seat, the sun will be up soon and you can’t leave in the sunlight can you?”
> And so that’s how we met Wghy, Wghat’s youngest brother and the only Orc to own a mansion and wear a nightgown.
> We were all a bit stunned, both by Wghy’s appearance and his lack of surprise at our entry.
> So stunned, in fact, that we all took seats in the den and waited patiently for Wghy to address us again.
> Several minutes passed, with the only sound being the ticking of a grandfather clock and Wghy turning the pages of his book.
> Everyone fidgeted, we were getting uncomfortable waiting and the large bay window in the den was getting rather alarmingly brighter.
> Finally Wghy closed his book with a *poof* and looked each of us in the eye in turn.
> “Now,” he said. “How can I help you gentlemen?”
> Before anyone could speak, Wghat jumped up and started passionately yelling something in orcish.
> From what the rest of us could gather, it was something about forgetting his (Wghy’s) brother and how could he be so callous and how could he not see how horribly his nightgown clashed with his skin tone.
> Wghat looked about to cry, but Wghy just smiled.
> “Brother, I could never forget you,” he said. “Why do you think we left Horgrilundr anyway?
> “We all were outraged that Father would exile you.
> “Even Wghen couldn’t believe it.”
> Both brothers shuddered at the mention of their sister.
> Wghy points out that we didn’t answer his original question: why are we in his house?
> Boxy Man quickly answered before Wghat could go to tears again.
> Explained we had become vampires and-
> Wghy interrupts him by finishing his sentence.
> “-And your master wants you to find a virgin for him.
> “I get that, why are you *here* at my house?”
> We’re all astounded by Wghy’s overwhelming knowledge.
> Wghat shrugs and says something about clerics of Vecna knowing more than they should.
> Boxy Man explains that we have no way of knowing if any female is a virgin or not.
> We came to Wghy so he could help us find one.
> Wghy laughs and nods.
> He shows us a map of the “Lords’ District”.
> Explains that there’s four minor lords, three great lords, and the ruling family.
> He points to each estate in turn.
> Our feelings when both Wghy and our Master turn out to be minor lords.
>Wghy explains that of the remaining rich folks, only the ruling family and one of the great lords have daughters that have yet to be married.
> The two daughters are of similar age (15 and 17).
> He says that the great lord’s daughter is kept under tight guard, only allowed approved visitors.
> The ruling family’s daughter, on the other hand, is often seen roaming the markets with only a single knight as a guard.
> He says that while the second girl is less guarded, it also means she’s more likely to have… unapproved interactions with others.
> So he tells us to pick our target.
> Boxy Man and Pally want to try and nab the lesser-guarded girl (let’s call her Sally for short) first.
> And if she turns out not to be a virgin, they reason we can always go after the second girl (we’ll name her Jenny) afterwards.
> Boxy Tranny argues that even if we succeed in capturing Sally, and she’s *not* a virgin, the guard around Jenny will increase tenfold, making it all-but-impossible to abduct her.
> Boxy Lady points out that even with a controlled environment, there’s a possibility that Jenny snuck out and got laid or snuck someone in.
> Wghy chimes in, wondering how we’re going to test whether Sally *or* Jenny are virgins, without having Grandpa Vampa eat one.
I just want to point out that for about ten minutes here, we have a group of six guys (since the DM was playing Wghy at this point), ranging in age from 17-22, arguing about a 15-year-old’s virginity over Skype. You can only imagine how strange it must have sounded to our families (or in my case, my fiancee).
> The debate became quite heated, in fact.
> By the end of it we’d insinuated that Boxy Man may in fact be gay, and called into question the virility of both Wghat and Boxy Tranny.
> In the end, we came down to two plans for each girl:
> Plan one for Jenny: find out who she’s scheduled to meet, impersonate them, jump out window once we have girl.
> It goes without saying this was Wghat’s idea.
> Plan two for Jenny: Seduce her and steal her away in the dead of night.
> This was Boxy Tranny’s plan.
> Plan one for Sally: pay off her guard to hand her over to us.
> This was the brainchild of Boxy Man
> Plan two for Sally: seduce Sally, convince her to run away with us.
> That rather unoriginal idea came from Boxy Lady.
> I should add that Boxy Lady was sure her 28 Charisma could convince anyone to love her.
> Pally refused to take part in the planning.
> He said our plans invariably go wrong
> Said he’d be waiting for the inevitable ‘charge the front door and vaporize it’- esque Plan B.
> Since none of us could convince the others to agree to our respective plans, we agreed to execute all four at once.
> We hoped that at least one of them would turn out partially okay.
> Well… let’s just say things went both really bad, and really good.
> So after finding our way back across the road to our coffins, we slept the next day away.
> Everyone had their own ideas, and we all believed our way was going to work best.
> The next night, after a full day’s rest and planning, we set out to put our various plans in motion.
> Boxy Lady and Tranny, set out to seduce their respective girls.
> Boxy Lady spent all night discreetly (or as discreetly as someone that shiningly vain and incredibly unwise could be) following Jenny.
> She took detailed notes of where she went and where the best places to “bump into her” would be.
> Meanwhile, Boxy Man surreptitiously started talking with Jenny’s guard.
> The two became fast friends and drinking buddies.
> Boxy Man planned to get as close to him as possible, and then try and bluff a story to convince the guard to let Boxy Man slip away with Jenny.
> Tranny had a bit of a more difficult time with his seducing.
> He wasn’t very handsome.
> Plus, he had to figure out a way to get himself onto the lists of ‘approved suitors’ for Sally.
> That meant that he’d have to somehow pretend he was rich, and then approach the girl’s father.
> And finally, Wghat spent his night with his brother, whispering about something or another.
> Towards the end of the night, he went out and haggled with a merchant about a very particular set of cuff links.
> Once the sky in the east started to brighten again, we all filed back into our thankfully dark and windowless mansion.
> We had discovered a note the previous day informing us that our master was needed elsewhere and would return in a week.
> He said that mansion (and city) was ours until then.
> We relaxed slightly when we learned we would have a week to get a virgin.
> However, Wghat had a startling realization when we were filing into the mansion that second night.
> He was *hungry*.
> None of us had eaten since before we woke up in the dungeon.
> But suddenly we realized, we *all* were hungry.
> We made our way to the kitchen of the mansion, and Boxy Man pulled out some bread and cheese.
> But no matter how hard we tried, we couldn’t keep the stuff down.
> Then Pally, who had met us at the door, had a second realization:
> We were vampires, right?
> Vampires don’t eat bread and cheese.
> They *drink blood*
> Unfortunately, it was daytime.
> Can’t go out there.
> Boxy Man reasoned that a Vampy as old as Gramps must have a storeroom of blood.
> After all, there must be some nights when you just can’t get to a live victim.
> So while the sun rose outside, we searched the mansion for our master’s blood stockpile.
> Eventually we found it in a magically cooled room.
> Hundreds of jars and bottles of blood.
> Each labelled with when it was harvested, and from whom.
> Most of them were “Tavern keeper’s daughter, 119” or something like that.
> But we were curious, so we headed towards the back.
> One shelf was entirely clerics of Pelor.
> Eventually we came to a rack whose entire contents were crystal vials, with stoppers made of diamonds.
> These didn’t have dates, but we all recognized the names.
> They were past Exemplars, the avatars of the gods.
> Like the cleric shelf, there were several of Pelor’s on the rack, but quite a few of the Corellon, several from Heironeous, and a couple each from Boccob, Wee Jas, Hextor, Kord, and Moradin.
> Garl Glittergold, Ehlonna, and Olidammara only had one each, and the rest (including Cuthbert, Yondalla, Fharlanghn, and surprisingly Erythnul and Vecna) were absent but had bottles.
> The only two that didn’t have bottles on the rack (as far as we could see) were Nerull, which we attributed to his connection to Vamps, and Gruumsh.
> It was with a weird sort of pride that Wghat realized that his father was strong enough that even Vampire Lords that *killed and collected Exemplars’ blood* feared him.
> In the end, we all took “normal people’s” blood, but Wghat, in an amazingly complicated misdirection, managed to steal one of the bottles from Heironeous as well.
> Basically he yelled “WHAT’S THAT OVER THERE?” and for some reason we all looked.
> Despite fumbling the bottle *several* times, he managed to pocket it before we saw him.
> So just to recap, Wghat:
> 1) had pumped several skill points into Arcane Knowledge
> 2) had spent several hours talking with his brother, who was a minor lord and a high-ranking (if not exemplar) of Vecna.
> 3) was now in possession of a set of magical cuff links and a vial of blood from a Heironean exemplar
> “Oh yeah, Wghat’s plan is dumb because he’s dumb.”
> So with night falling, we all set out for a second night of preparation.
> Boxy Man went out drinking with the Guard again.
> Boxy Lady made initial contact with Jenny, and the two laughed and danced together,
> But Boxy Man, in his infinite wisdom, wanted to be the one to capture her.
> So he surreptitiously alerted Jenny’s guard that Boxy Lady was bad news.
> The guard promised he’d keep an eye on the two.
> Satisfied, Boxy Man went back to drinking.
> Boxy Tranny spent the night forging documents naming himmler the heir of Gramps
> Figured that if himmler could convince Sally’s family that himmler was nobility, and filthy stinkin’ rich, they would give himmler a chance to seduce her.
> Wghat and his brother walked the streets of the city.
> Despite everything, it says a lot about Pacot’s egalitarianism that two obviously strong and dangerous-looking orcs were able to walk the streets without being afraid of reprisal.
> Every so often they’d stop to talk to a group of city guards, or a throng of nightly drinkers.
> As the night wore on, and Boxy Man had thoroughly drunk the guard under the table, he watched Boxy Lady whisper something in Jenny’s ear.
> The two of them then left the tavern floor and headed upstairs.
> Boxy Man was having none of this.
> He hauled the guard to his feet and told him what he saw.
> The guard hiccuped something about duty and staggered off in the wrong direction.
> Boxy Man caught the inebriated official before he could fall, and helped him towards the stairs.
> As he did so, the guard reminisced about his life.
> His family had been personal guards of the ruling house for generations.
> Her parents being so busy, the guard’s wife (Jenny’s nursemaid) had practically raised the girl herself.
> The guard loved that girl like his own, as he and his wife had never had kids.
> Boxy Man had said he was a cousin of Gramps’, and now this came back around in a strange way:
> “Ya know wha?” said the guard, hardly able to talk through the drunkenness. “You’re a great guy.
> “If Jenny was my daughter, I think I’d be okay with her marrying someone like you.”
> Boxy Man, slightly taken aback, thanked the guard and continued hauling him towards the stairs.
> The guard went on, talking about how good a girl Jenny was.
> He painted a beautiful (and slightly drunk) picture of the young girl that was his charge.
> For a second Boxy Man wondered if he’d be able to do what was necessary.
> Suddenly, a scream from above them.
> It was Jenny.
> Instantly the guard snapped out of his drunkeness and was bounding up the stairs, drawing his sword and with Boxy Man right behind him.
> They reached the room and threw open the door.
> Boxy Lady was out cold on the ground.
> Standing above her were two large figures in dark cloaks and masks, one of whom was holding Jenny!
> The guard immediately rushed in, but Boxy Lady’s prone body combined with his heavy drinking meant he was just a bit too slow.
> The other dark figure cut him down with a blade that seemed to appear from nowhere.
> Red blossomed from his chest as he was cut open, shoulder to waist.
> Jenny screamed again, tears streaming down her face as she saw her only father figure cut down in front of her.
> Boxy Man, his anger rising, completely forgetting about *his* mission, now focused on one thing:
> Avenging the guard and bringing justice to these… *villains* that had shattered Jenny’s life.
> Of course Out of Character we could all see the irony and hypocrisy of that.
> But Boxy Man’s player had said that Boxy Man was sentimental at heart, and we all agreed this was definitely in-character given his background, so we let it slide.
> In any case, Boxy Man barely got a magic missile off before both figures jumped out the window behind them and disappeared into the night, Jenny with them.
> Boxy Man briefly considered going after them, but in the end decided that he’d never be able to track them.
> Instead he knelt over the quickly-dying guard, who grabbed him with surprising strength.
> “Listen,” said the guard. “Since my wife died, the only thing I care about in this world is that girl.
> “You promise me you’ll find her, you hear?”
> Boxy Man promised.
> “You keep her safe, you promise me that.
> “If you promise to keep her safe, this old man can die in peace.”
> Boxy Man promised again, and the guard smiled and closed his eyes.
> It was at that moment that Boxy Lady regained consciousness.
> Boxy Man asked what happened to her.
> Boxy Lady said she and Jenny had come upstairs (“Just to talk! I Swear!”).
> Then, just as they were settling down, the two kidnappers burst in.
> One of them grabbed Jenny, and when Boxy Lady stood up, he punched her with enough force to put down a charging dire elephant.
> Boxy Man was surprised to hear ‘punched’, as he’d seen the one not holding Jenny use a sword to cut down the guard.
> What he couldn’t figure out is why they didn’t attack him, and instead jumped out the window…
> Meanwhile, Boxy Tranny had finished forging himmler’s pedigree and was getting it filed with the nighttime clerk at the city’s record office.
> Even at this time of night, there was quite a few people waiting to get records approved and filed away.
> Sitting in the waiting room, Boxy Tranny listened in on the gossip of the cityfolk around, as a rogue was wont to do.
> Most of the rumors were banal.
> Someone’s friend saw a really hot chick dancing in the tavern, but someone else said she was a lesbian.
> Someone had seen a zombie pulling a cart through the streets, but everyone said it was probably just an old guy with a skin rash.
> A couple of the rumors stood out, however.
> An old woman claimed to have heard that the exemplar of Heironeous, the Foe-Hammer, was in town courting a lord’s daughter, but that he was incognito to avoid detection by evil forces.
> Someone else said that Ninjas had murdered a guardsmen and had taken another of the lords’ daughters hostage.
> Boxy Tranny, getting a little nervous and starting to wonder if these rumors were related to himmler’s party, jumped in with himmler’s own rumor:
> Himmler claimed that one of the lords was a vampire, and everyone had a good laugh at that.
> Eventually Boxy Tranny was called in, and the clerk asked for the papers.
> Looking over them, the clerk asked Boxy Tranny a few questions.
> “Your Name?”
> “Boxy Tranny.”
> Himmler didn’t actually say that, but fuck if I remember what these cheeseheads *actually* named their characters.
> “Adventurer.” When the clerk rolled his eyes, Boxy Tranny added, “High-level.”
> “Uh-huh, I’m sure. You claim to be the cousin of Lord [insert generic vampire name here]?”
> “On his mother’s side, yes.”
> “And for what reason did you only now bring this to us?”
> “Well, you see, I’ve been out of the area for a long time (adventuring stuff, do you know), and…”
> Boxy Tranny goes off on this long-winded explanation, making charm person rolls (vampire traits, whoo) the whole time.
> Apparently this clerk gets a huge bonus to will save since he’s so used to hearing shit like this, but eventually Boxy Tranny succeeds.
> Clerk files the paperwork and sends him on his way.
> Everyone meets up at the mansion as the sun begins to rise again.
> Everyone except Wghat.
> Boxy Dan asks where Wghat is.
> Boxy Man’s feeling when he realizes that the cloaked figures *punched Boxy Lady out*, *refused to fight him*, and then *jumped out a window*.
> Boxy Man had confided in the other three Boxes his suspicions about Wghat and his brother Wghy and their possible involvement in Jenny’s disappearance.
> Everyone was shocked.
> Mostly that Wghat had managed to do something reasonably deceptive, but still.
> It being daytime, however, there wasn’t much they could do beyond send out servants (which Gramps had a huge amount of) to deliver Boxy Tranny’s application to suitorship, and also send out a few to Wghy’s home and to local areas of ill-repute, in an attempt to locate Wghat and/or the kidnappers.
> When the four of them woke up at twilight, the servants brought them… strange news.
> First, Boxy Tranny’s application had been accepted, and he was to meet with Sally’s parents in an hour.
> himmler immediately started getting ready.
> They also warned Boxy Tranny that there would be other suitors there, and so to be careful.
> They said that on the subject of the kidnappers, there was information stating that they were hiding out in a disused warehouse in the poor quarter.
> Rumor had it one of the nobles had hired them.
> Boxy Man figured Wghy had “hired” them in order to provide a smokescreen.
> Boxies Man, Lady, and surprisingly Dan all agreed to proceed with “Plan vaporize the door and attack everything inside”
> And so everyone sets out.
> Boxy Tranny arrives at the Noble’s mansion, and is shown into a grand meeting hall.
> Torches, columns, marble, chandeliers, the whole nine yards.
> The butler leading him ushers him through to a smaller side room, and says to wait until himmler is announced.
> Meanwhile, the other boxes have found the disused warehouse and are scoping it out.
> The place is dark, no sign anyone’s been in it in years.
> Boxy Man says yolo and together the three of them do their best to replicate Wghat’s door-vaporization technique on the front door.
> They barely manage to knock it open.
> Anyway, they rush in and start slinging fireballs and such, Dan waving a torch and his sword.
> TFW the warehouse is empty.
> Well, mostly empty.
> Towards the back they find Jenny.
> She’s suspended in some kinda magical energy ball.
> Boxy Lady (in an astounding fit of competence) explains that it’s something called a dead-man’s bubble.
> Basically if it’s dispelled by anyone but its original caster, the thing blows up… heavily.
> Not like ‘oh crap make a reflex save or take 2d10 damage’ blowing up.
> We’re talking ‘make a reflex save if you have D-door and can cast it in two seconds or you’re instantly vaporized’ blowing up.
> They decide not to mess with the bubble.
> Boxy Man and the rest look around for any information about if the kidnappers really are Wghat and Wghy, and also where they are now.
> Eventually they find a map of the city that has a couple mansions highlighted.
> Most are also x’d out, but one is not: Sally’s home.
> Wghat’s going for broke, apparently.
> The three of them take off, hoping to reach the noble’s mansion in time.
> Back at the noble’s mansion, Boxy Tranny had been announced and strutted out as best he could.
> He said a few lines to the lord and lady, boilerplate ‘honored to be in your presence, etc’.
> He looked at the daughter, sitting in between her mother and father, and turned on the full extent of himmler’s vampy charm.
> Now, Boxy Tranny was some kinda arcane rogue even before becoming a vampire, so himmler’s int and wis modifiers were through the roof.
> So himmler was using everything himmler had on this poor girl, and her poor aristocrat-class will save was piddly to begin with.
> Unfortunately, just as he was about to break her will entirely, the herald began announcing the next suitor, and Boxy Tranny was forced to move to the side of the hall and watch.
> And Sally was left incredibly turned on but with no idea who caused it.
> Thus, the stage was perfectly set for the entry of Lord W. Gatt, the Foe-Hammer, exemplar of Heironeous and lord of the southern hills.
> In walked a huge beast of a man, easily as tall as any half-orc, clad in shining white armor from helm to boot.
> Across his back was a massive and ornate maul, the titular Foe-Hammer, and a thick ermine cape, white as snow, billowed behind him.
> Despite himmlerself, Boxy Tranny found himmlerself staring in awe at the figure, who seemed to radiate positive energy and martial prowess.
> Beside him strode an acolyte in a matching white robe with a hood pulled up, and together the two of them strode to where the noble family sat and bowed.
> The acolyte spoke for his exemplar, extolling the various great deeds his lord had done, and how great an honor it would be to join their two houses together, etc, etc.
> Ofc Sally, already left rather vulnerable from Boxy Tranny’s manipulation, was completely bowled over by Lord Gatt’s overwhelming masculinity.
> Boxy Tranny could see her literally panting over him.
> Eventually the acolyte stopped extolling and the two of them took their place along the same wall as Boxy Tranny.
> Boxy Tranny watched them out of the corner of himmler’s eye, but they seemed to stand silently and most honorably.
> The final suitor was another large, powerfully built man, dressed in all black, ninja style.
> He was introduced as Wakizi Mushidoto, lord of the Wakizi clan.
> He brought forth a gift, a pair of sapphire shoes that gleamed in the torchlight.
> He asked for the honor of having Sally try them on.
> Though she still had eyes only for Lord Gatt, Sally agreed.
> But as soon as she stepped forward, faster than any eye could follow, the Foe-Hammer swung from nowhere, slamming down onto the shoes.
> There was a sputtering of outrage from the Noble Lord until Lord Gatt pointed at the shoes and muttered one word: “Evil.”
> Indeed, instead of breaking into a thousand shards, the shoes had melted into a smoking, liquid slag that certainly looked dangerous.
> But Boxy Tranny wasn’t looking at the shoes, himmler was looking at Lord Gatt.
> He knew that voice.
> W. Gatt, tall as any half-orc, and a very particular guttural voice.
> Boxy Tranny was about to break open Wghat’s inordinately elaborate plan when Boxy Man, Lady, and Dan burst through the door, yelling that the ninja was dangerous and was going to kidnap the princess.
> So no shit there everyone is, completely frozen in this mansion’s hall.
> Three of the Boxes (Man, Dan, and Lady) had all just kicked down the door and were yelling about the evil Ninja (which was fairly easy to understand from the Lord’s perspective), and about Wghat being a total tool (which made no sense to the lord, and even less to Boxy Tranny, seeing as how himmler now knew Wghat was masquerading as the Foe-Hammer)
> So the ninja dude took one look at this situation, and then pulled out a magical orb and threw it on the ground.
> Instantly a group of summoned ninjas pop up around him.
> Boxy Tranny, who actually had a high int score (unlike seemingly everyone else), quickly thought up a plan.
> Himmler shouted to Wghat (*ahem* LORD W. GATT) to get Sally to safety, while himmler and the rest of the party took on the ninjas.
> Himmler then used some kinda telepathy bullshit to convey the plan to the rest of the Boxes, who were already too busy with the ninjas to argue.
> Thus, the gallant Lord Gatt swept the seventeen year old Sally into his arms and made a break for the back of the hall and the doors leading to Sally’s rooms.
> Unfortunately, Lord Ninja-man-guy spotted them and ran after them himself, leaving the four Boxes to be dealt with by his summoned dudes.
> Meanwhile, Wghat (I mean, it is Wghat, he’s still in the armor, whatever.) had made it back to Sally’s private rooms, and he had set her on her bed and went about barricading the door as best he could.
> Now, I want you guys to think about this for a second:
> Sally here had just been completely infatuated by Wghat in his guise as Lord Gatt, the Foe-Hammer, her will totally broken by his magnanimous masculinity.
> He had then proceeded to *literally* sweep her off her feet, carry her away from danger, and had brought her to her own bedroom, and was even now securing the room to keep her safe.
> Now, we know that Wghat had been doing this to sacrifice her to his new Gramps Vamps master, but I want to highlight that while she had very little in the way of a will save, this girl had Charisma in spades.
> So imagine Wghat’s surprise (and somewhat dilemma), when he turns around, having just secured the door, to see Sally totally turn the charm on *him*, full force.
> Wghat, when becoming a vampire, had received a number of bonuses, the most significant being his increased ability scores.
> However, there was an issue with that, one that only now became relevant:
> With his intelligence brought up to ten, he no longer believed that girls had cooties.
> Which meant, unfortunately, he was fully susceptible to Sally’s charm effects.
> The whole group, ooc, was afraid we were about to see Wghat jump this girl in her own bed and break her in half (he had 32 strength when enraged at this point).
> There was absolute silence as the roll was made.
> The DC was 18 to resist the urge to bang her, 22 to ignore the charm all together.
> I rolled a 19.
> Plus my Will save… 21.
> So now Wghat’s standing there, pretty darn infatuated but not enough to go native, trying to figure out what to do while simultaneously trying to keep Sally from taking his armor off.
> Cue ending from “Some Like it Hot”.
> “I’m too old for you!” “I’m seventeen!”
> “I can’t stay here with you!” “I’ll wait until your return!”
> “I’m… I’m a HALF-ORC” [pause] “Nobody’s perfect.”
> Wghat finally sighed and took off his helmet.
> His vampirism had made him actually halfway decent-looking, and ingesting the blood of the Foe-Hammer had given him an almost noble aura, which combined with his father’s strong jawline and powerful frame, made him look actually fairly impressive.
> “Sally,” he began, speaking is a most un-wghat-like voice.
> The rest of the party went silent to listen (we had all decided that our characters would get to have emotional and deep moments to break up the constant silliness, kind of a reverse-comedy relief).
> “Sally, I’m not the Exemplar of Heironeous. I’m not a Lord. I’m not even an exemplar at all. My father is the exemplar of Gruumsh, I’m just a pretender. I came here under false pretenses with dark intentions, and I’m sorry for that. You’re a good girl, young and a little naive, but with a good heart and honorable. I have nothing to give you, and you giving yourself to me would end in nothing but sadness for you and your family.”
> Sally was about to respond when Lord Ninja finally broke through the barricade.
> Wghat quickly pushed Sally behind him, throwing aside the warhammer and ripping off the gauntlets of the armor, which caused the whole suit to shimmer and disappear, replaced by Wghat’s less ornate but more useful black-and-gold enameled plate. Sleeves of Many Disguises. Awesome item.
> Anyway, now that Wghat had a good look at the Ninja, it was clear he was more round than large, and was sweating and panting profusely.
> But the dude drew his katana all the same and charged at Wghat.
> It was an epic battle.
> The ninja wasn’t as fast as he seemed, but he was festooned with various magical items that gave him massive damage and accuracy boosts.
> Wghat, however, was Wghat.
> This wasn’t some alehouse brawler, or a backstreet thug, this was MOTHERFUCKING WGHAT, and he was gonna go full Edgardo on your ass if you crossed him!
> So a couple ‘Banzai’s later, the Ninja was flat on his fat stomach, out cold.
> It was at this moment that the various Boxes caught up, having completed their combat, followed by Sally’s parents.
> In a quick, nonverbal communication, it was decided that we could not leave with Sally, especially not when Wghat definitely had feelings for her now, and so we’d take Fatso with us and go back to the warehouse, and try to free Jenny.
> Quickly we departed back the way we came, or rather, the Boxes departed, and Sally whispered to Wghat, “I will wait for you”, to which he responded by jumping out the window into a nearby pond.
> As it turned out, the hooded acolyte that accompanied Wghat was Wghy, and so together with a slightly-waterlogged Wghat, the party made its way back to the warehouse.
> There, Wghy determined which of the magical trinkets Fatso was carrying was the key to the dead-man’s bubble, and thus Jenny was saved.
> However, now we were presented with a problem:
> Sally was out of the question, as Wghat forbid anyone to hurt her.
> And now Jenny was as well, as Boxy Man had taken very seriously his promise to protect her.
> Just as we were about to freak out about our impending failure, we were kindly reminded that Fatso was waking up.
> Boxy Tranny roughly removed Fatso’s mask, revealing a middle-aged, greasy-haired, neckbearded man-child.
> Ain’t nobody sleeping with that.
> And so, when Gramps finally did return, we presented him with an ugly, smelly, male virgin, instead of the innocent, young, female virgin he was probably expecting.
> We all took great pleasure in watching Fatso die, and in Gramps’s face as he drank his blood.
> We done did good.
> While Grampa Vampa wasn’t too keen on us after we’d ended up making him drink fa/tg/uy blood, we still got a new mission from him fairly quickly.
> Turns out good help is hard to find when you’re a demigod-killing bloodsucker, seeing as everyone’s shit-their-pants terrified of you.
> So he settled for us.
> Basically our next mission was explained like this:
> Lolth (the Goddess of the Drow, for those of you who live on top of a rock and don’t look under it fairly often) had been sending her Exemplar, the Cloaked One, out to do generally evil things, like raid towns, etc.
> Normally Gramps would care less, but recently he’d realized three things:
> One, he had no blood from a Lolthian Exemplar.
> Two, they were raiding mining towns that he’d invested in.
> Three, they weren’t even *taking* anything. They were just killing, lighting things on fire, and then leaving.
> Needless to say, those reasons were probably ordered by descending importance.
> So he sent us off to find this group of Drow raiders, find out what the heck they were doing, and then put an end to them.
> Since none of us had any experience with the Drow prior to this (aside from Boxy Lady, who swore up and down she’d slept with at least three of varying gender), we decided to enlist the help of Wghy to give us a general idea of what to expect.
> Wghy actually seemed very upset when we brought him our new mission, saying that we were dipping into things we had no reason to mess with.
> We explained that Gramps really had us by the balls, and there was nothing for us to do *but* follow his wishes.
> Wghy grumbled a little bit more, but eventually sat us down in his library and gave us a crash course on Drow tactics and culture.
> We shared with him the info we’d been given and the location of the villages (skirting the edges of a desert called Angan).
> At that he started suddenly and said something to Wghat in Orcish.
> Wghat nodded, confused, and spoke a sentence back.
> Wghy then looked to the rest of us.
> A strange, ironic look on his face, he told us that *both* Wgho and Wghere were in that area, as the tribes they respectively worked with were being threatened by an unidentified warband.
> Now we knew something strange was up.
> Drow warbands do not normally attack both human settlements and orc travelling tribes.
> Usually they attack one or the other, never both.
> While Lolth could care less about her individual subjects, having both the orcs and the humans angry at her people at once would be a danger not even she would gamble with.
> Which means that either Lolth was getting crazier than normal… or she suddenly had an advantage that no one knew about yet.
> Both of these things would be very bad.
> Wghy also mentioned something else to Wghat in orcish, something that Wghat seemed very excited about.
> When questioned about it, Wghat quickly changed the subject by shouting “LOOK, THAT BOOK IS LAUGHING AT YOU” and then jumping out a window.
> After (again) pulling Wghat out of a pond, we decided that travelling only by night was boring, and would be difficult if we couldn’t find shelter to hide us from the sun.
> So we half-pleaded half-browbeat Wghy and Gramps to bequeathing us a bunch of amulets of protection from sunlight.
> And thus kitted out, we were ready to set forth to take on the Drow!
An elf bard/wizard vampire is something of a powerful being. You’ve got amazing racial traits, spells, resistances, can transform, and have pretty banging ability scores. Vampire templates in 3.5, just by themselves, are incredibly strong assets. In addition to the above bonuses, you can create thralls, live forever, and the more intelligent vampires can even dominate lesser minds. I say all this, because make sure I hammer home just how strong and cool vampires and vampire characters are, so that when I say that Wghat and the Boxes found themselves *totally unprepared* for their enemies, you understand exactly how firmly in the up position the tits were when things came to a head.
> So the group had been travelling several days before we caught even the most fleeting clues of our quarry.
> General mayhem was going on and about.
> Burned houses, dead bodies, bandits, etc.
> Nothing we couldn’t handle, but still kinda spooky how little sign of actual Drow we’d seen.
> There was signs of battle, sure, and plenty of signs that things had been burned and destroyed, but nothing that specifically spoke to the presence of the Drow.
> We were starting to wonder if Gramps had just *told* us there were Drow so we’d leave, maybe get lost and not come back.
> But, we got our lucky break: while camping one morning (because we preferred traveling by night), we heard the sounds of a warband passing by.
> Our camp was obscured inside a small copse of trees, so we all stayed within it and just peeked out.
> They were definitely Drow, though they weren’t like any Drow warband we’d ever seen.
> They had the dusky gray plate and strict formation you’d expect from such a well-enslaved race, but at their center was another group, dressed in greens and browns, and who moved in a loose amorphous mass that had no order.
> Boxy Dan managed to pull something out of his sparing knowledge of the planes, a single word: Githyanki.
> We all knew vaguely what Githyanki were, they were extra-dimensional warriors that were somehow in cahoots with Tiamat and did bad things occasionally.
> What this meant is that Lolth had not only made allies, but that these allies were willing to run around out in the open and risk being seen, which meant that this deal was big.
> Like, world-changing big.
> As we were a group of five and not at all keen to take on a Drow-Githyanki horde ourselves, we decided to stealthily follow them and hope for the best.
> What exactly we thought “The best” would turn out to be is something that I will never know.
> Instead, we found after a few hours of following these crazies around, that they were casing a new village for destroying.
> Again, we weren’t too keen on fighting this band, and after all we were evil now so we didn’t have to concern ourselves with the safety of the village.
> But, like the idiots we were deep down, we decided we needed to glean more information about these Drow.
> By sneaking into their camp and impersonating them.
> So here’s a setup for you: our twerking sorceress had the disguise spell, so she disguised all five of us to look like Drow.
> That part was easy.
> The harder part is that the Drow’s armor is very specific, to the point where if we walzed into the camp without wearing it, we’d be executed on sight for treason.
> So we devised a plan.
> That night, as the Drow and the Githyanki set up (a surprisingly well-hidden) camp, we watched the perimeter they set up.
> When the guards were finally in their places, we snuck up close (bad idea #1), and sent Boxy Lady with her huge charisma to seduce the five of them (bad idea #2).